Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I'll Love You Forever, I'll Like You For Always

Loosing someone you love is never easy. I wouldn't wish the loss of a loved one on my worst enemy, but the sad and unfortunate reality is that death is part of life...children loose parents, grandchildren loose grandparents, parents loose children, siblings loose siblings, friends loose friends, and no matter how many times you've been through the heartache of loss, it never becomes something easily dealt with.

To one of my most dearest friends: My heart aches at the pain you're feeling. Nothing I or anyone else can say or do will make the pain and sadness go away, but you're strong, and you will persevere. I have never had the opportunity to meet your Nan, but from the stories you tell, and those members of your family that I've met, I can tell she is a wonderful woman, and raised a beautiful, kind family. Your family is her legacy, and one I can imagine she is proud of.

Eight years ago I lost my Grandmother, my Grams, and the pain, though no longer as prominant or consuming, never really leaves. Your Nan will live forever in your memories, and those of your aunts, uncles, cousins, your children and theirs. Although your girls are young, and your youngest will likely not have lasting memories, your oldest probably will, and she'll hold onto the memories she made at the cottage forever. Memories that would never have been possible without your Nan.

My Grams has been consuming my thoughts lately, either she's haunting me, which she would totally do, or all these thoughts about what you're going through has been reminding me of what my family went through with my grandmother. So in the spirit of remembering, and not letting memories be forgotten, here are some of my favorite Grandma memories:

She had a pole at the end of her driveway and would, without fail, yell as you're pulling away "mind the pole", even to my Mom, who had lived there her whole life. My siblings and I teased her mercilessly about it.

"Did you eat?" "Did your friend eat?" "Did you ask your friend if they were hungry?" "Did you see the donuts on the counter?" - My Grandma would and could feed a small army on any given day. Although her other favorite quote was in answer to the question "What's for dinner?", her response being (every time) "dry bread and pull it."

If you pissed her off, or miss behaved: "I'm going to string you up by your toenails and whip you with a wet noodle"

In reference to the make up I started wearing MUCH too early, and MUCH too much of "clean off that war paint"

Her nickname for my little brother, because he had a speech impediment that made him sound like he had an accent " little Dutchman". Sounds meaner in theory than it was in practice. She didn't have a mean bone in her body.

When bringing food from the kitchen into the dining room she would yell "coming around the corner!", so that no one would bump into her.

"pull up those pants, I can see your knickers" - self explanatory

And maybe one of the funniest things about her: the 10 pm. phone calls my mom had to make each night to wake her up in time to watch Cops and Jerry Springer.

This past February I got a tattoo in memory of my Grandparents that I have lost:

3 Lily's - each in different stages of blossom to represent the three generations, Lily's because they are both my Grandmas and my favorite flower, and the words I'll Love You Forever, because I will, and because my parents read that story and said that line a millions times to us when we were kids.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Happy Father's Day Daddio

A little fathers day story for you...

Yesterday my Dad decided to play a practical joke on Dad has a great sense of humor but I can't really remember him ever playing a serious practical joke on me before, so that in combination with my overwhelming gullibility (is that a word?) made for some hilarity for him...not so much for me.

My little story starts with me returning a missed call from my brother:

His Phone: Hello? _____ there? (it's his cell so I was thrown off when he didn't answer)

Him: Actually, he is currently in custody right now. This is Sargent O'Mally...

Me: What? What happened?

Him: He actually ran a red light and almost hit someone, we have reason to believe he was under the influence.

Me: Oh my god, ok...(voice starts shaking and tears start)

Him: Is this a family member?

Me: Yes, his sister

Him: Ok, well you can come downtown and post bail if you would like, we're transporting him there now.

Me: (seriously shaking at this point, standing in a grocery store, while people stare) Ok, which police station are you taking him to? Either me or my dad will be there as soon as possible.

Him: Ok, you can pick him up at (gives my dads address)

Me: Oh..? But....Dad???? - Freak out ensues.

Moral of the story...joking that my brother (who wants nothing more than to be a cop) was arrested is NOT COOL. And now he knows how much I love him, hence the shaking and tears. I definitely got a big hug, and thanks for the willingness to post his bail.

P.S. My Dad didn't realise I was crying, he felt bad about that once he was done laughing.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Apperantly My Hero Doesn't Wear A Cape...As Far As I Know...

You know your life is sad when you exclaim "You're my hero!" to an empty room when you realise the mailman saved you 2.5 minutes by presorting the mail.


I am currently look to acquire a leprechaun friend. Preferably with a thick Irish accent, wears a green tuxedo, and is extra teeny tiny, like the size of my pinky finger, oh ya, and a pot of gold would be a total asset. I will keep you company allllll day long and you can hang out on my desk. I'll make all sorts of little chairs and games for you to play that are leprechaun size, and I will share my lunch with you. That and my friendship are to be your only form of payment. Enquire within!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Remember What the Doormouse Said: "Keep Your Head!"

Alice in Wonderland - I begged, I pleaded, I planned, I waited...I was like a little kid.

I anticipated the release of this movie for a year, looking at the pictures, watching the trailors, and planning when I would get to see it. You see, I have a slight obsession with Alice in Wonderland, AND with Tim Burton. So this was a combo made in heaven for me!

But much to my dismay I didn't get to see it in theaters... I did however get to see Ironman...bullshit! (actually it was amazing, but that's besides the point). Anyhow the day I thought Alice in Wonderland was going to be released on video, the BF and I went to rent it...I was off, by a day. We were one day early, so instead we rented the movie Bronson - Interesting, but definitely no Alice in Wonderland.

Anyhow two nights ago after I went to bed, the BF got Alice in Wonderland for us to watch. I wasn't sure if he had picked it up until yesterday when I asked him if he had gotten it, to which he responded ..."uhhhh ya, I already watched the first half of it..." my response: "WHAT?!? You did WHAT?" Him: "Yaaa, I turned it on to see if it worked... and if it was any good, and I couldn't turn it off.." So I was all, "Ya well now we're watching it as soon as we get home! And you're going to react the EXACT same way you did the first time you saw it! And you're going to say all of the internal thoughts you had about it out loud, so we can talk about it!!" (Ha, you fucked yourself!)

Then when we got home I asked him to get the movie and snack ready while I hopped in the shower, expressing clearly my annoyance and his jerkiness for having watched the beginning of it without me. Then as I leaned down to give him a kiss (because despite my annoyance with him, hes too cute not to kiss), he laughed, saying "actually I was kidding, I didn't watch any of it, ha ha, you're so easy to get going!"


p.s. We watched it. It was good, but I had my expectations set SO high, I think I made it unattainable. I'm going to listen to Jefferson Airplane's - White Rabbit now. *sigh*

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Sunday Confessional

I'm totally doing a "post date and time" for this entry. I'm just hoping it works, because if it does boys and girls, it means that I can write my Sunday confessional on any day of my choosing, which is never a Sunday...or a Saturday for that matter, and it will appear magically (that's right, this shits magic as far as I'm concerned, something needs to be!) on Sunday! Woo!

Anyhow, Sunday Confessional:

I'm Claustrophobic...which among several other things, is the reason I'm not catholic and choose instead to confess on here. Their little tiny boxes that you have to sit in, (which I'm sure stink like the body oder of the guy that was in there before you, likely confessing he has an adversion to cleanliness) makes it hard for me to think straight let alone breath properly. It's also the reason that I avoid taking elevators with other people. I need a plan of attack if the elevator shuts down and I'm stuck in there. Being packed in their like sardines with a bunch of strangers sounds like a nightmare, so as it stands my plan is to lay down in the elevator and force myself to fall asleep (I have an uncanny ability to fall asleep whenever or wherever I want to). See, if I'm sleeping than I won't be freaking out about being confined and about the amount of oxygen I'm using, and what I'm going to do if I need to go pee, etc. But in order to execute this plan, I need to be alone in the elevator, or at max. with one other person. "Why don't you just take the stairs?" you may ask...well dinkwad, the asshole that designed the building I work in, made it so that you can not access the stairs from the lobby, how brutal is that? So I'm stuck taking the elevator regardless. (And for you firefighters out there, you can take the stairs down to the lobby floor, however they exit outside, and you can only open the exit door from the inside stairwell, so you can't enter them from the outside, totally lame). So anyway, the moral of the story is that I'm claustrophobic, as previously addressed, and I'll wait for WAY too long to catch an elevator so that I can take it alone. If you're ever rushing to make an elevator and you see me standing inside, don't be surprised if the doors close in your face, I'm a bitch like that, I need to insure I have laying down space in the event of an elevator break down.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I have Jame's Brown's "sexmachine" lyrics in my head...they have nothing to do with this

My spectacles, my sight enhancers, my visual aids, my glaaaaaaasses: I need them to see, I can not function without them.

I can't get out of bed if I don't have them, and if they are not specifically where I left them when I fell asleep I will not move until someone finds them for's a hazard! Nothing has edges or distinct lines, I can't tell where one thing ends and another things starts.

Have you ever tried to go cliff jumping as a glasses wearer...sans glasses? Trust me...its terrifying. You can't tell where the edge of the cliff is so you have (or at least I have) an overwhelming fear that I won't jump at the right spot so I'll slip off the edge and tumble to my death. Yes...Terrifying.

How about being  in the middle of a mosh pit when someone knocks your glasses off your face. So you're options are facing almost certain death by kneeling down and patting around for them, or facing certain death by driving home without being able to see. Luckily when it happened to me I had the assistance of a wonderful friend, and some wonderful strangers who held people back while someone else bent down and picked them up for me. They are insanely scratched (meaning I have more than one blurry spot in my line of sight) but I am incredibly grateful for their help. Otherwise...CERTAIN DEATH!!

I can't comfortably watch tv and cuddle with the BF because my glasses dig into my face.
I can't see when I go swimming, so I just float around with my eyes closed.
I hate going to salons to get my hair done because I can't see who is talking to me - and you would be surprised how hard it is to have a conversation without reading facial expressions.
I'm notorious for saying "wait I can't hear you, I don't have my glasses on."
I can't successfully shave my legs in the shower.
I have to do my makeup within inches of the mirror, literally inches, so close that if I put on mascara with too much gusto it ends up all over the mirror, ya...awesome.

(Is it ironic that this post is about glasses helping me see, and I have my eyes closed in this picture? Also, my eyebrows looking so anomaly)'s the dilemma. I like them. I'm used to them. They're like an old friend. I like what I look like with glasses on, and I guess sometimes I feel like I can hide behind them. BUT it would be INCREDIBLY convenient to be able to see without them. SO, do I get laser eye surgery and have perscriptionless glasses to wear around when I feel the need to glasses up my look? Because honestly, that's what I'm thinking is necessary.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

So You're Not a Fictional Character, I Guess That's Alright.

Last night I watched the season finale of The United States of Tara. If you've never seen it before the husband (Max, played by John Corbett) of the main character (Tara, played by Toni Collett) is perfect, just incredible...AND he's totally my type, so we can say I have more than a small crush on him... but in a "I know he's a fictional character, created by a woman, written for a predominately female audience" kind of way.

Anyhow to make a long story short he deals with a lot of shit and sticks by his wife in a way only most women could dream of. He's what romance stories are made of, and not a measuring stick most men would want to be compared to. He lives up to every unrealistic expectation possible, and is basically designed to make women look at their husband and think..."Fucker! If I had multiple personalities that made me punch you in the face while you were sleeping, or cheat on you multiple times, or totally ignore your aspirations and desires, you would totally not be this supportive...what the hell!?...Douche!".

Well apparently not only women think do men, or at least my man anyhow. Last night while it was ending, the good ol' BF looked at me and said..."Fuck, is that what you compare me to?!!" to which I responded, after slight hesitation "No way babe... No one could live up to that!" (But it would be fucking awesome if they did!)

BF, I love you, even if you wouldn't be totally relaxed about me punching you in the face while you were sleeping.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wake Up! Grab a Brush and Put on a Little Makeup!

I'm so sleepy - I could fall asleep RIGHT now if I wanted to. Well I do want to, I more mean, I would fall asleep right now if no one would notice that I was sleeping under my desk. I don't know what it is, maybe still the medication or something that is causing this overwhelming need to sleep, but it's killing me. I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, I look like I'm stoned all the time. My eyes are half closed and half focused, and want to just roll back and close all together, I want that too. Right now I'm typing with my eyes closed because it feel so good. Anyhow, it sucks. It makes it hard to get work done. Oh and the BF is still laid off...ya it's been 2 and half months. BRUTAL.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

One of the Many Differences Between Boys and Girls

Conversation with the BF:

Me: "Hey do you want to see the dress that I bought for the wedding?"

BF: "I'll see it at the wedding right?"

Me: "umm ya..."

BF: "When is it again?"

Me: "less than two weeks, and you still need to get a new dress shirt"

BF: "Plleeentty of time"


Conversation with the Bf's Mom: - 5 minutes later

Me: "Hey I bought a dress for the wedding."

BF's Mom: "ohhhh let me see it, I bought 7 and I'm not sure which one I'll wear!"

Me: "haha - I got this one for $25.00, what a steal!"

BF's Mom : "ohhh it's so cute, what color shoes are you going to wear?, I think grey would look good....Hey 'son' you still need to get a dress shirt for the wedding"

BF: "Relax mom...I've got pllleenntty of time!"

Why You're Awesome

You tell me I'm "exceptionally beautiful"

This is upon waking up in the guest room of a friends house after a long night of drinking faaaar too much. Still in the clothes from the night before with makeup all over my face.



Conversation with co-worker:

Me: "Hey 'boss' wants to see you"

C-W: "Is there a problem?"

Me: "No, 'boss' just wants you to get a cart, bring it down here, load some paper on it, then take it to the photocopy room to load the photocopiers."

C-W: ...Blank stare

Me: Repeat the same statement only a bit slower

C-W: "...I don't understand"

Me: ..Blank stare..."what do you mean you don't understand? Just get a cart, load some paper on it, then put that paper in the photocopiers"

C-W: ...Blank stare

Me: "You know what, why don't you just go talk to 'boss' so they can explain it for you..."

Monday, June 7, 2010


Sometimes I drink too much...Friday was one of those days.

Sometimes I stay out too late...Saturday was one of those days.

Monday's should be part of the weekend. I need more rest.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

FYI Mini Animals = Adorable...Finding Human Pubes = Disgusting

Good News?!!

There were no human pubic hairs on my desk this morning.

YIPPEE - It's so not my thing, you know, finding random human pubes daily...on my not finding any is good news all around, for me that is...but it could totally be your which case, puke.

Bad News!?!

House Hippos don't really exist and I sooooo want one!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Sky Rockets In Flight...Afternoon Delight

RATED R : Explicit Content, Possible Offensive Language, Not Appropriate for my Mother...or Sister (she's too pure)

I'm just going to go ahead and get it over, specifically that which occurs in the summer...there, that's what this whole post is about, so avert your eyes if reading that word makes you, a) uncomfortable, b) light headed, or c) nauseous. If it doesn't...lucky you, you get to hear about my sex life and my random suggestion for yours, I can tell you're excited - I would be if I were you,  reading a random blog making suggestions for my sex life, so excitement is totally natural.

Anyhow, moving on...

Spontaneity, it's good for any relationship, and summer always offers SO many more opportunities for it, for both sexual and non-sexual activities, however I'm speaking specifically of activities of a sexual nature. I don't know if it's the heat or the lack of huge sweaters and long pants, or what, that gets the hormones raging, but summer sex is oh so different from winter sex. Not that I'm complaining about sex in the other seasons, but there's something exciting and thrilling about it in the summer. It's different, and each year I forget how great it is until the summer comes and we get to enjoy it all over again.

Now I'm not exhibitionist by any means. Not like the couple I once saw parked on the front row of a drive in movie, RIGHT in front of a light, so their whole car was illuminated for all to see. That shits just too crazy for me. But since the warm weather has come the BF and I have taken advantage of the hot nights, and the deserted roads etc. And let me tell you, if you want to ignite some passion in your relationship, take a drive and let your hormones take over. It's good for your relationship and as far as I'm concerned, good for the soul.

I would suggest to all couples out there, if you want a good time with your "other half", to drop the kids off  to play with their grandparents or something, and take a drive as a couple. Call it "team building" or whatever you'd like, but theres nothing like pretending your 17 (not that I was doing anything like this at 17 Mom, if you're still reading this) and cramming yourselves into the back of a car. Just don't park in front of a large group of people in direct one needs to see that. Believe me, it's not as hot as you might think it is.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Rage...of the Road Variety

Road Rage, not to be confused with Roid Rage, is a disease. A serious, life altering, crippling disease...or disorder, I think it's probably more like a disorder. Either way, it has bad news written all over it.

I would estimate - or totally make up, whichever, that over 1/3 of the world's population suffers from this disorder (we can disclude incredibly rural areas, or places with no traffic or vehicles, which leaves places like China - which gives me road rage just thinking about it, or other heavily populated areas making up for most of this *completely fabricated* statistic).

Symptoms include: Dizziness, Dryness of mouth, Nausea, and the Overwhelming urge to rear end someone, Drive on the shoulder, Punch your steering wheel, or Scream obscenities.

"They" are currently searching for a cure for this debilitating disorder.

If you would like to donate to the HRRS (Helicopters for Road Rage Survivors) foundation, we (meaning I) are currently collecting funds to hire a personal pilot, buy a helicopter, and build a helipad on the top of my office building, so to avoid the daily frustration and the ridicules anger that consumes me each morning.

Thank you for your time and understanding. Only YOU have the power to stop the madness.