Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sex Bomb, Sex Bomb!

FYI - This post is about "sex life" more specifically, my sex life...(that warning is for you Mom)

I think sex is healthy. I'd say most people would agree with me. Aside from the physical benefits of having a work out, the stress relief, and other necessary reliefs, it builds confidence, it strengthens relationships, it helps keep couples close, both physically and mentally, and is the distinguishing factor between, being a "couple" and being "roommates" as far as I'm concerned.

So yes, the BF does not worry that I'll ever "have a headache" or "not feel well" or "am too tired". We're pretty much on par as far as desire goes, and it's something I'm proud of, so I can't understand this perpetuated stereotype that women only "give it up" on holidays, and birthdays.

Anyhow...all this considered, and after 4 years of no stereotypical, male gives female back rub hoping it'll lead to happened.

Two nights ago I was feeling sooo sick. I fell asleep at 7pm on the couch, and woke up at 9pm,  forced myself to get up and go lay down in bed. The BF got me a "puke bucket" and laid down behind me, rubbing my back. And then...he tried to progress that back rub...seriously! Come on! I've never had to say "no, I'm too sick", until that day. I'm kinda ticked off that he made me say it...I was proud that I'd never had to before. So, UGH! Now I'm one of those women whose "too sick" for sex. Lame!

Monday, September 27, 2010

This Emotional Life

I'm a "social psychologist" by nature, in that, I am extremely interested and fascinated with social psychology. In university it's what I majored in, and since I do not work in that field I tend to forget how much I truly love it. That, and the fact that with my depression I have a hard time identifying hobbies, or things that I really enjoy.

Anyhow, the BF recently got "Netflix" and has fallen in love. I'm now lower on the totum pole then a program he pays monthly for, to watch movies, he won't have time to watch, that I'll likely have to wrestle him into watching. This weekend ALL he talked about was netflix to anyone who would listen.

It did benefit me however, because he found this great 3 part series called This Emotional Life. It's a "three-part series that explores improving our social relationships, learning to cope with depression and anxiety, and becoming more positive, resilient individuals." The BF started watching it while I was at work the other day (he's laid off again...) and knew that I would be really interested in it. So he saved it, and waited for me so we could watch it. I spent hours on Sunday watching it, and felt at home. THIS is what I love learning about, THIS is was I'm passionate about, THIS is the field I need to be working in. I know I would love teaching, but I would LOVE if I could become a behavioral specialist, or work in research. I'm successful in my job, but it's not my passion. I don't feel fulfilled doing it. But after 3 years of not having any sociology or psychology based learning, or information gathering, I had forgotten how passionate I am about it.

Now to make something happen...but what? How do I make this work for me?

Also, HUG someone today...preferably someone who will not lodge a sexual assault charge against you, or respond unpleasantly to your touch...because human touch, it's one of the most important things in a balanced human life.

Monday, September 20, 2010

It's all Lady and the Tramp up in this bitch!!

Pictures of "my" animals...its in quotations because they don't "technically" belong to me...however I love them all the same!! We'll call them my roomates!

"No More Teacher's, Dirty Looks"

I'm facing a dilema, one I'm confidant many others before me have also faced: Can I afford to go back to school?

Yes, I realise it's my own fault for dicking around and not completing all of my courses when I was actually enrolled in University and did not have to hold down a job.

Yes, I realise that had I made better decisions when I was 18 I would have gone to school somewhere else, attended a different program, and likely be in a much happier and successful place in my life. Too bad I can't call a mulligan on that one.

Yes, I realise that with only 2.5 credits left of my undergrad, I really need to do anything in my power to finish my education, and not spend the rest of my life paying off a debt incurred for nothing.

Also, I realise that I shouldn't say "but"...BUT now that I'm currently working fill time, I have bills to pay. I don't live at home, I'm not under Mom and Dad's wing anymore, and although they help me out TREMENDOUSLY I can't ask them to fill my bank account like they did when I was 18 and living away from home for the first time. So it's up to me. For the first time ever, it's up to me to figure it out and make it on my own.

If I quit my job I won't get any severance pay or be eligible for employment insurance, so there goes any form of income. I could try and keep my job and do courses at night, however the courses I'm required to take are not offered at night, so that limits that ability. I'm not eligible for OSAP because "I make too much money"...HA, come again!? (that's what she said!) And I'm not eligible for the "Second Careers" program because I'm not laid off. Meaning any government assistance is out of the question.

So my only option is to find a part time job, to work and attend school. Sounds simple enough, except I want the guarantee of a job before I quit, and all the jobs I've apply to have not returned even the invitation of an that's kinda throwing a wrench in the plan.

So here I am, 3 years after taking my last University course, and trying to figure out what the fuck to do with myself, and my future.

Oh ya, and this morning I read an article on how students with part-time jobs have a hard time completing their course work. Well FUCK! I had a hard time completing my course work while not working and sitting at home in front of my computer. Second time's the charm? Let's hope so.

Oh, and a small rant to the Canadian Government - Had you not spent 1.1 Billion dollars on the G20/G8 summits, you could afford to better assist all of your residents with their schooling. Like...I don't know... paying for it!?!! Do you know what the crime rate is in places where schooling is free? Do you know the long term benefits of having a well educated population? ...And while we're at it, what are the long term...or even short term benefits of spending a BILLION dollars on 2 summits, that caused nothing be grief to the people of Toronto and the surrounding areas? hmm...

Friday, September 17, 2010


This football season I decided I wanted to have a rivalry with the BF. He's a Raiders fan, and all sporting events are more WAY more fun if you're cheering for a team, but especially if that team is in the same division as your significant others favorite team. That is unless we're talking about hockey, because if I were to become an Ottawa Senators fan, it would be the end of our relationship. I know this because he's told me...more than once. GO LEAFS GO!

So aside from my "Pffff...Miami Fan!" comments when I see people in jersey, I decided I wanted to get a shirt to support my newly adopted favorite team, and since I JUST saw a commercial for football t-shirts at old navy, I decided to hit it up. Well, much to my dismay, there were no Bengals shirts, OR Raiders shirts for that matter...Me= Unimpressed! What? Is my team not good enough to be supported my Old Navy!?? Now how the hell am I going to rub my overwhelming LOVE and support for the Bengals in BF's face?! Old Navy, you've just created for yourself a VERY powerful enemy! You ruined a good thing!

But, on the bright side, at least they didn't have Raiders shirts either...Ha!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

This is Halloween, This is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween!

It's TIMMMEEEE! I can smell it, sense it, feel it...FALL! I am really very sad that summer is over, however fall brings us Halloween, and that is just SPECTACULAR! I LOVE Halloween...and also caps lock it would seem!

I've decided to go as Medusa, and my mind has been running ever since I made the decision. I love making halloween costumes it gives me the opportunity to be creative. I've seen some really crappy versions of "buyable" Medusa costumes online, and have decided to really do this 100% by hand (well perhaps with the assistance of my sewing machine) instead of buying it pre made, which I've done in other years because I spend all my time making costumes for other people. (You can take that to mean I'm an incredibly selfless, amazing person, or that I really like the attention I get when everyone is bragging that I made their costumes, and bigging me up...either way, you're probably right).

A couple of friends have already requested my excellence, so I'll be getting started soon! I actually can not wait! If I could make costumes full time, I would. Damn realistic income needs!

Some of my friends and I have decided to go with a mythological theme. So I'll be making, along with my Medusa costume, a Zeus costume, and a Hercules costume, so far.

Can't wait to upload the pictures once the costume making process begins!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Tattoos...a love story

So I got my first tattoo last February. I'd been waiting for YEARS...I mean literally yearrrssss to get one. When I was in high school I settled for getting my nose pierced because a tattoo was "out of the question" according to the parental units. I can remember all through University dreaming and drawing up tattoo ideas, and waiting for the day when I would have an extra couple hundred dollars so I could pay for one. (Note to my employers: I still don't have any extra money sitting around, my tattoo was a Christmas present from the BF, you can definitely pay me more!).

Anyhow, ever since getting my first tattoo, I've wanted to get a second. I don't ever want to cover myself, I'm not a fan of that look for myself personally, plus I've promised my Mom that I won't get a tattoo anywhere that will show in a wedding / formal dress...blah blah blah.

So I'm currently trying to decide on my second tattoo. I have several ideas, but nothing is coming together the way my first one did (Here). I guess because of its sentimentality, nothing will ever mean as much, and be as easy to put together. But because I want another one SO bad, I'm bound and determined to find something I'm excited about.

What I currently want is:

A quote. I haven't settled on one specifically, however I'm thinking it will be lyrics and it will go on my rib cage. I also want to get a bird in flight tattooed as part of it. Kind of like...

The other option I'm thinking of is the lyrics "shine on you crazy diamond" along to outside of my foot. The only issues with that is a) I've heard tattoos fade quickly there, AND b) It goes against my agreement that it won't show if I'm all dressed up and wearing heels.

 I would get "shine on you crazy diamond" on my ribs, except I'm looking for something that is a little longer so that it can be 3 or 4 lines, with 3 to 4 words per line.

Also, I really like elephants. They've been my favorite since, well forever. So it would be cool to get one tattooed on me as well, but I don't really want a portrait. So I was thinking of getting an artistically drawn one, done in just lines. Kind of like...
Only with his head tilted back and trunk in the air. And I haven't decided if I just want the head, or the whole body. The thing is that I want this on my wrist. As an everyday reminder to remember to carry my head high. Buuut again, theres the issue with it being visible all the time. I've always always wanted a wrist tattoo, but I fear what it will look like when I'm 80. I'm not too worried about what my other tattoos will look like, since it's unlikely I'll be wearing a bikini at 80, but I've seen what old tattoo's look like, and it's not pretty.

So, the humming and huhing continues. What to do...what to do.

If you have any suggestions, let me hear 'em.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Sunday Confessional

Geez, it's been a while since I last confessed...

So here it is... I'm afraid to go to new restaurants because I'm afraid I won't know how to order.

It really stresses me out, especially if it's one of those places where you have to order at the counter, and there's a line up of people behind you, and you have to try and read the board behind the cashiers head, pick what to order, and not hold up the line and frustrate those behind you. UGh, the stress!!

So two days ago the BF, myself and a couple of our friends went out for ice cream to this new ice cream place around the corner from our house. I was first up to order so I did it fast and didn't get anything special, just two scoops of different flavors. I couldn't handle the stress of figuring out the toppings and types of cones and mixing the ice creams etc. So I went with the basic.

The BF on the other hand, doesn't play that way. He got to the cashier and had to ask a million questions and figure everything out. In the middle of ordering this happens:

He takes a step back, runs his hands over his head/face and says loudly...

"So is this where it happens? Is this where the world starts to pass me by. Where I don't understand what the kids are eating these days. What the hell...this shouldn't be this difficult!"

And that my friends is why I hate those situations, and also why I love my BF so much. He has no problem calling himself out, whereas I try my best to still look like I know what I'm doing, and end up eating something I'm only mildly satisfied with.

UPDATE:  We went back again and I tried ordering something more complex!
This is: Vanilla Cake Batter (or something), Chocolate, with Oreo chunks mixed in.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

In Conversation With The BF

Me: Are there red bumps on my back?

Him: You betchya

Me: Fuck, I have them on my legs and chest too. I'm either allergic to something or I have another random disease.

Him: It's ridicules the shit you catch.

Me: If I have hand, foot, and mouth disease again I'm going to loose my shit. BUT the doctor said it's like chicken pox, you only get it once. So if I have it again I'm like a medical anomaly.

Him: It's called a freak.

Me: Medical anomaly, I'm basically an x-man.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Looking For Catharsis - Because My Mom Told Me To.

I'm writing this because my Mom told me to, and I always do what my Mom tells me to, like every child out there...kind of, sort of...well not really, but this time I think she's right. Writing is cathartic for me, and right now I'm really in need of some...catharsis.

I don't really know what happened...well I guess I kind of do. When I first started taking Ciprolex for my anxiety/depression, it worked WONDERS, like rainbows, and unicorns, and shooting stars all over the place. I couldn't have been happier, I felt how I'd never imagine I could feel. You see the depression and anxiety stem from abuse I endured as a young child, and because I was so young when it happened, the influence it had over my development was never seen. I've just always thought that this is just who I am. I'm a nervous, stressed out, lack luster, over analytical, not trusting, self sabotaging  person. Anyhow, to make a reeeallllyyyy long story short, at 25 I finally decided it was time to see a therapist and get my life on track. So after a few weeks of therapy sessions, I went to my doctor and was prescribed ciprolex. It worked amazingly for the first few weeks, I had never felt better, and all of the "personality" traits I thought were part of me, just started to disappear, or became incredibly easy to manage. Then I ran out of pills, and being that I'm often self sabotaging (when the depression is kicking in), instead of going to the walk in clinic (my doctor was on holidays) I just stopped taking the pills. This fucked me over. In inexplicable ways. After a few weeks I started taking it again after my therapist insisted that I go to the walk-in, and have a prescription issued.

The medication has never worked the same as it did when I initially started taking it. I'm sure this is normal, since my body has become accustom to it, however after seeing the potential I have to feel good, and the way I'm feeling now, it's making the gap between the two even larger. I'm sinking into a deeper depression knowing the potential for happiness, security, funny loving, and confidence that I have, but can not feel right now. It's awful. Yesterday my doctor upped the dosage, so hopefully that works, since I can't stand feeling this way.

Side note - I have the world's best Mom. You might beg to differ, but she really is the bomb-diggity my friends. I called her, holding in the tears the best I could, as she unbeknownst to me, was arriving at the clinic because she either pulled a muscle really bad, or broke a rib. Instead of rushing me off the phone or telling me she'd call me back, the second she heard my voice, even though I wasn't crying yet, she stopped what she was doing and talked me through it. It wasn't until later in the conversation she told me where she was and why. Seriously, my mom, with a potentially broken rib, stopped on her way to the clinic to get ex rays, to talk me through a minor breakdown, offering to come over and hang out with me. That is just one of the reasons she's so amazing!

So here I am, blogging again, even though I have no drive to, for cathartic reasons. To try and pick myself up a little. Hopefully it works, because as my Mom told me earlier this morning, I'm way to young to feel defeated by life, I have way too much life left ahead of me.