Friday, September 10, 2010

Looking For Catharsis - Because My Mom Told Me To.

I'm writing this because my Mom told me to, and I always do what my Mom tells me to, like every child out there...kind of, sort of...well not really, but this time I think she's right. Writing is cathartic for me, and right now I'm really in need of some...catharsis.

I don't really know what happened...well I guess I kind of do. When I first started taking Ciprolex for my anxiety/depression, it worked WONDERS, like rainbows, and unicorns, and shooting stars all over the place. I couldn't have been happier, I felt how I'd never imagine I could feel. You see the depression and anxiety stem from abuse I endured as a young child, and because I was so young when it happened, the influence it had over my development was never seen. I've just always thought that this is just who I am. I'm a nervous, stressed out, lack luster, over analytical, not trusting, self sabotaging  person. Anyhow, to make a reeeallllyyyy long story short, at 25 I finally decided it was time to see a therapist and get my life on track. So after a few weeks of therapy sessions, I went to my doctor and was prescribed ciprolex. It worked amazingly for the first few weeks, I had never felt better, and all of the "personality" traits I thought were part of me, just started to disappear, or became incredibly easy to manage. Then I ran out of pills, and being that I'm often self sabotaging (when the depression is kicking in), instead of going to the walk in clinic (my doctor was on holidays) I just stopped taking the pills. This fucked me over. In inexplicable ways. After a few weeks I started taking it again after my therapist insisted that I go to the walk-in, and have a prescription issued.

The medication has never worked the same as it did when I initially started taking it. I'm sure this is normal, since my body has become accustom to it, however after seeing the potential I have to feel good, and the way I'm feeling now, it's making the gap between the two even larger. I'm sinking into a deeper depression knowing the potential for happiness, security, funny loving, and confidence that I have, but can not feel right now. It's awful. Yesterday my doctor upped the dosage, so hopefully that works, since I can't stand feeling this way.

Side note - I have the world's best Mom. You might beg to differ, but she really is the bomb-diggity my friends. I called her, holding in the tears the best I could, as she unbeknownst to me, was arriving at the clinic because she either pulled a muscle really bad, or broke a rib. Instead of rushing me off the phone or telling me she'd call me back, the second she heard my voice, even though I wasn't crying yet, she stopped what she was doing and talked me through it. It wasn't until later in the conversation she told me where she was and why. Seriously, my mom, with a potentially broken rib, stopped on her way to the clinic to get ex rays, to talk me through a minor breakdown, offering to come over and hang out with me. That is just one of the reasons she's so amazing!

So here I am, blogging again, even though I have no drive to, for cathartic reasons. To try and pick myself up a little. Hopefully it works, because as my Mom told me earlier this morning, I'm way to young to feel defeated by life, I have way too much life left ahead of me.

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