Tuesday, March 30, 2010

You’ve got a friend in me…except you, because you’re a pirate hooker

Girls Code – it exists. We always hear about “guys code” this and “guys code” that, but seriously, there is a “girls code” too, which most girls follow. It is the not following of this “girls code” that creates problems between females, just as it does between males, however girls are way more dramatic about it, and less likely to resolve things with a punch to the face…we’ll just talk shit about you behind your back, which is TOTALLY the mature thing to do. But come on…follow the fucking code.

If you want to maintain a friendship with the female half of a heterosexual couple, these are some of things that will surely piss her off, so I would suggest avoiding them.

  • Do NOT spend your summer days hanging out at an unavailable male’s house by his pool in your bikini while his girlfriend/wife is at work all day, this will surely piss her off. That is unless you are with a group of people…but one-on-one is TOTALLY uncalled for.

  •  Do NOT ask an unavailable male to do “boyfriend/husband-y” things for you, like put fuel injector cleaner in your car, unless he is a mechanic, and you’re a fucking idiot. Read the bottle, the instructions are clear; a monkey could figure it out. ALSO, do not do this on a regular bases. This boy is NOT your boyfriend/husband, and it will surely start to piss his girlfriend/wife off if you’re constantly asking him to do little things for you. Particularly because most boyfriend/husbands have stopped doing these little things for their girlfriend/wives ages ago.

  • Do NOT wear mini skirts, super low cut tops, anything SUPER revealing and then dance on tables in front of a bunch of unavailable males. That is essentially was a stripper does, and if that’s not the reputation you want, do NOT do this. Easy right? Go ahead a do it in front of a group of single males, but don’t whine when they try to hit on you, and put on a big show about how you’re always being hit on. It’s your own damn fault.

  • Absolutely under no circumstances should you cause issues/arguing between a couple. Do NOT stir the pot. That is a sure fire way to have the female not want you around.

  • Do NOT purposely spend time with an unavailable male when he and his significant other are fighting and you are aware of it. Put yourself in her position for a second, not cool.

  • And NEVER tell a girl that her boyfriend/husband was interested in you first, that is unless all parties are aware of it. Otherwise you’re just being a bitch.
Honestly, these should not need to be listed, it should be common fucking sense.

If you don’t want the reputation of slut, don’t act like one, and if you want to maintain your female friendships, be respectful of their romantic relationships.

Simple as that.

Why You're Awesome

You text me this mid party, while sitting across the room:

BF: You smell

Me: Like what?

BF: Ass farts

Me: ha ha, ass farts…

Monday, March 29, 2010

Are you alone in there?

I think its worth saying, I am TERRIFIED of split personalities…this is the number one reason I didn’t become a psychologist. The risk of having to treat someone with it causes a ridicules amount of panic within me.

Mainly, I’m afraid of men who’s alternate personality is a young girl. There is nothing creepier than a grown man speaking in a female child’s voice. I’m not totally sure where this fear initially came from, but it is VERY real.

The BF is WELL AWARE of the situation, and sometimes feels the need to talk to me in a young female voice in the dark...He gets one warning to knock it off, and then the lights go on…and remain on for the night. I am not kidding. I can’t handle it!

Side note: The television show ‘The United States of Tara’ on showtime, is awesome, but at times it’s like watching a scary movie.

More crazy to come…

Did you know that you don’t show your full psychotic potential until you’re into your 20’s?

I sure didn’t…this explains A LOT…like a lot a lot.

I just thought I liked to sleep a lot and that I’m a “worrier” which causes me to “feel sick” sometimes. What a mistake that is. Turns out I have “depression” and “anxiety”…UGH, it just sounds SO lame to say that, because really…who doesn’t these days.

What freaks the fuck out of me though is, I have a solid 4 more years of my 20’s…that’s 4 more years to find out I have laundry list of psychological disorders, like: split personalities, or schizophrenia, or objectum sexuality (meaning I’m sexually attracted to inanimate objects) which is pretty awesome if you think about it, annnnnd I do think my cell phone is pretty sexy! I’m on my way…

Here’s to the next 4 years of mental health (good or bad, only time will tell)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Smells like teen spirit…

Ok, so they’re close to 10 years past “the teens”, but with some men you would never know it. I can not begin to count the amount of times I’ve gone down into our basement and said “it smells like boy down here” while the BF and his buddies sit around playing video games and drinking beer. How do they do this? How can some men turn a perfectly clean, odorless room, into a messy stinking teenage boy seeming room, in the span of a couple hours? Especially while they’re sitting still, not really working up any kind of sweat.

Anyone who has a teenage boy or has grown up with a teenage boy, knows this smell. I had the good fortune of growing up with two, and although they showered regularly, and were relatively tidy (with the help of their Mommy) their rooms always had a “boy smell”. It’s not an unbearable, awful smell by any means, it’s just distinctly male. And what’s funny about the “boy smell” is that the boy’s themselves never smell that way, its just the room that they’re inhabiting.

I constantly tease the BF that he’s “five years old”. But realistically he’s more like 17. He still has the incredible knack of boyishly smellin’ up a room while just sitting around with a bunch of his buddy’s, and has established a very different definition of “clean” from myself, which I’m sure, is the same as it has been since he was a teenager.

My definition of “cleaning up” would include:

Putting all of the dishes in the dishwasher
Throwing out all of the garbage
Putting all of the cans/bottles into the recycling bin
Finding a place for all of the papers that have inevitably pilled up
Clearing off the computer desk
And generally tidying up
*Note: Dusting and Vacuuming aren’t part of “cleaning up” because they happen on the weekends.

The BF’s definition of “cleaning up” would include:

Piling all of the dishes in one area on the coffee table
Stacking the papers together in one pile
And putting all of the recycling in one area (but not dumping out the contents)

Now this isn’t to discredit the help he gives me when I’m cleaning, because he definitely pitches in and helps me out. This is just what he thinks is appropriately clean if I’m not there and have asked him to clean up. Generally I’ve asked him to do it while I’m not there because people are coming over, and when I inevitably say “this isn’t clean, people are coming over” he responds with “whatever, they don’t care.” – Again, 17.

Gotta Love him though, even if we define clean in two TOTALLY different ways, because he’s got that adorable devilish grin that gets him away with everything (and he knows it!).

Friday, March 19, 2010

One moondance with you…

Music – It has always been a HUGE part of my relationship with my BF. One of our first connections on the first day we really spent any amount of time together was over a Meatloaf cd. And since that day it has never ceased to be a connection. Some of my favorite moments with him have been driving around with the windows open and the music blaring just enjoying the songs the weather and the company.

We don’t really have “a song” if anything we have “a song of the moment”. Over the years that we’ve been together there have been so many songs, lyrics, dances and moments shared to a varying range of music that I couldn’t even nail down one specific artist or genre.

We do however have a “breakup song” - Every Rose has its Thorn, by Poison - because laughing about that cliché is just so very us. But despite the planned breakup song we are in love, seriously!

So when he told me the music he wants played at his funeral, I guess it didn’t phase me that a) we were talking about our funeral music b) he wants what will be our wedding song played, as well as goodbye to romance by Ozzy among others. This didn’t phase me that is, until he had me sit down and “really listen” to the lyrics. First, this song was written by Ozzy for his deceased bestfriend / bandmate so the lyrics are heartfelt and personal, and second, it is beautiful and is so very him. Well I can tell you, there were no shortage of tears while listening to this and looking at my handsome bf, whom I love and don’t ever want to imagine burying. And yes, while I was an emotional wreck he looked at me, smiled big, laughed a little and said, “well at least you’ll remember this moment at my funeral!”, while giving me a huge hug. Thanks for the heartbreaking future memory, Jerk!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Forever somebody’s something…

“Hi, I’m (insert name)’s (insert relation), 'Mandolin'”

This has been my way of introducing myself my whole life. Always as someone’s; girlfriend, sister, daughter, friend etc. first, my name/identity always coming in a distant second, to the point that I’ve on occasion forgotten to say it all together. And from then on I’m referred to as “so-and-so’s girlfriend”, which really… not a healthy way to identify one’s self.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a part of all of the relationships I have, and it’s not that I don’t want to be associated with them, it’s just I think when introducing one’s self, one’s name should be the first point of business…correct? Maybe I should invest in some “hello my name is…” tags and introduce them into my daily wardrobe!

Anyhow, I guess first things first, on this journey of self discovery, or whatever the hell it is, should probably be to stop defining myself based on the relationships I have, and rather define myself by, well…myself, insightful right? Most of you probably nailed this down by the pre-teen phase, so since I’m about a decade behind, this must just mean I’ll live longer than you, muahaha!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

If all the snowflakes were candy bars and milkshakes…

…we’d all be going through a SERIOUS sugar withdrawal. However I think I could manage because…SUMMER, it’s almost here! I can feel it, and smell it, and I absolutely LOVE it!

I’ve always said/thought that autumn was my favorite season, it’s so beautiful, but spring! there is something special about spring. I’ve always attributed this warm happy feeling that I get at the early stages of spring to seasonal affective disorder (which unfortunately is a reality for me), and the fact that spring signifies sunlight and happiness. HOWEVER, this winter has been SO mild and sunny, that I think it’s more than that. I think I just truly love spring, and all of the things that come with it.

Thunder Storms
Rolling down car windows and listening to loud music
Flip Flops
That smell! “Can’t you smell that smell?”
And the early signs of summer

This is WONDERFUL! I just added another “love” to my list, and that my friend is nothing but good news!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Why You're Awesome

M: It's funny that I hate socks and you love them
BF: Do you think the universe will let us stay together?
M: Why because we feel so differently about socks?
BF: Yes...against all odds we manage to be together, its crazy!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Does this thing come with a manual? 25 I'm trying to figure it all out. What decisions should I be making? What career path should I be taking? What relationships am I faking? (ok well the last one seems a bit dramatic, but something in me really needed to finish that rhyme). Anyhow the moral of the story is, decisions have to be made and I have no idea if I'm taking the right paths. I don't deal well with change, so staying where I am, however unsatisfied, seems easier and more comfortable, but would taking a chance on something else be benifical? How do I know I won't be equally unsatisfied with the other options? I guess I already know the'll never really know. But wouldn't it be nice if life came with a manual..."these are the decisions you should make, they will insure your success and happiness." Or at least a crystal ball...