Procrastination Is Like Masterbation...

In The End You're Only Fuckin Yourself.

I should really be working on my "self evaluation", which is VERY lame and also due today...

I would looove to write (the truth):

I'm awesome, and you are privileged to know me, let alone have me grace your office each morning with my rays of internal sunshine, and amazingness. I deserve LOTS more money, and would appreciate it greatly if you would recognize my awesomeness and pay me appropriately...while simultaneously understanding that my presence alone is worth your while, so not to expect anything productive from me.  And then rate myself at the highest level of the scale, because dudes, that's totally what I deserve. I get up before the sun for this place, and for that I think I should also receive "hazard pay" because seriously, it is dangerous not only to myself but to others as well when I wake up so early, and not because I'm driving half asleep, but because I'm TOTALLY not a morning person and I'm liable to rip someones face off if they look at me the wrong way, which is endangering them, and myself because I could totally injure myself in the process of maiming them. So...hazard pay it is.

Unfortunately, their "required format" doesn't allow that response, so I'm stuck with providing specific "examples" of why I'm a valuable employee, blah blah blah, again, totally lame. UGH!

I'm Delicious

Ummm...I'm pretty sure my feet smell like McDonald's french fries right now.

Seriously.

Something smells like McDonald fries, and I'm alone in this room...there is no food...

Also, I'm wearing flats. Ladies, you know what that means...

No socks = crappy plastic insoles stink'n up the ol' hooves.

The worst (or maybe best) part...I don't hate the smell.

“Drugs Drugs Drugs…Which are Good? Which are Bad?

Drugs Drugs Drugs, Ask Your Mom or Ask Your Dad!”

(Another 80’s commercial flashback coming atch'ya!...perhaps I watched too much TV as a child?)

When I searched for a picture of the commercial on Google this is what came up, but I think this was from the commercial that went "don't you put it in your mouth, don't you stuff it in your face, though it might look good to eat, though it might look good to taste, you could get sick, real quick" (if my memory serves me correctly). The message was lost on me as a kid as I was WAY too busy singing and dancing around to actually pay attention, but at least it was catchy enough I remember it 20 years later!
_________________________________________________

Does anyone remember the log driver song?

“For He Goes Burling Down and Down White Water, That’s Where the Log Driver Learned to Step Lightly?”

The BF and I sing this probably way to much, and recently pulled it up on my iphone after a long discussion about it. 80’s children are FANTASTIC! Or at least our informative commercials and cartoons are!!

_________________________________________________

Or what about, conjunction junction, what’s your function?
                        

Goodness gracious the 80’s were a good time, kids these days are missing out!!

Anyhow, the initial point of this post (before I got distracted by awesomeness) was, I’m starting anti-anxiety medication today…woo? Not sure how I feel about it yet. I’m hoping to see good results because things have been barely bearable lately, and I’m ready to give off some positive vibes again (the vibes have been less that stellar lately, and for that friends and strangers alike, I’m sorry). Anyhow, for those of you who know me, or have read previous posts, I have both anxiety and depression, and I’ve decided it’s time to control it, because seriously, 20 (memorable) years of dealing with it has been WAY too long! Wish me luck…or at least be jealous of my super cool childhood commercial memories!

“So Keep Fit and Have Fun”… “BODYBREAK” (with Hal Johnson and Joanne McCloud) – come on… I had to throw that one in there too!

(Those of you not from Canada or if you have never experienced the awesomeness that are these commercials, I feel sorry for you!)

I Feel Like Pizza Tonight, Like Pizza Tonight!!

Come On!! Remember the old "I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight" commercial?

Anyhow:

I love pizza...I love it, I love it, I love it!

I'm not sure I'm accurately expressing my love and desire for it....it's obscene and perverse. I would eat it ALWAYS AND FOREVER. It's ridicules! It would be accurate to assume I am eating pizza at any given time...or at least 3-4 times a week, which seriously...is A LOT of pizza.

I once left a bar with a friend of mine (in the middle of having a great time) because we started talking about pizza (her love for pizza is in direct competition with my own) and walked all around town looking for a pizza place. We then (as a couple of less than sober girls) asked the pizza delivery man if he could "deliver" the pizza to our house, with us tagging along for the ride. THAT'S RIGHT, the Captain Morgans Rum commercial where they pull that stunt, was definitely based off of us, because we totally did that WAY before that commercial ever came out. Seriously, the driver went for it and gave us a ride home with our pizza!! It was AMAZING in such a way that only two intoxicated university aged girls could understand! (Well that's a lie, I would be over the moon if it happened again tomorrow...so either, it is just seriously awesome, or I'm still a university aged drunk girl at heart...either way).

P.S. I'm eating pizza right now...and I ate some yesterday...it's only Tuesday.

UPDATE: I also ate pizza thursday night...you're jealous arn't you!? I'm pretty sure I have pizza sauce pumping through my vains...seriously!

Shake On It...Spit Shake, Cause That's How We Roll

Disclaimer: I say things like, "Ugh I want to hang myself", "plllleeeease shoot me now!!", and "F*ck, I want to kill myself" on a FAR too regular bases, just as forms of expression. Dramatic? FOR SURE! I don't mean them (pretty much ever), it's just a habit, but I know for some people, it's a reality.

I have a friend who is having a hard time right now with their mental health, and is feeling pretty low. They're at the point where they've recieved help and others have interviened for their safety and well being. It's been a process, but things are starting to look better and I have all of the confidance in the world that they will flurish and make a full recovery.

Anyhow, today we were chating online and I made one of my (perhaps offside, but so typically me comments) about finally NOT wanting to hang myself at work today, and they replied back with a "don't hang yourself , too painful, take pills". Funny? In a serisouly dark way, perhaps, but because of the their state of mind I had to respond with something! So an "Anti-suicide" pact it was. I won't do it, if you don't do it. And then I made them "virtual" spit shake on it, so to show I mean business. No suicides around these parts, not on my watch.

So friend...if you're reading this, I'm serious...I don't spit, EVER, especially not on my hand (even if it was just virtual)...so I'm serious...anti-suicide pact fo life! You're stickin it out, don't care, I said so! AND YOU VIRTUAL SPIT SHOOK ON IT!

Sunday Confessional

Sometimes when I'm going pee I wonder if it's really happening or if I'm actually in a coma and just dreaming I'm on a toilet and I'm actually peeing in a diaper...seriously, I'm sober.

Also, when I say sometimes, I mean pretty much all the time.

Stupid Question of the Week

This is technically supposed to be a "stupid question of the week" (idea being the question was asked within this week) however as previously mentioned I live in a dream world, and this week has been particularly bad. Meaning I wasn't really listening when anyone was talking to me, or fully processing the conversations I was having, so I can't remember any of the stupid questions asked this week, however I'm confident that I was asked several stupid questions.

Something that I get asked on an all too regular bases is:

"Oh, do you want to try that on?" (kind of all surprised like)

Ummm...seriously? Would I have walked across the store, and waited in line at the change room for any other reason than wanting to try something on? Unlikely

Why You Irritate Me…

You ask me if I’ve seen the weather outside…

The entire wall behind/beside me is a giant window asshole!

Further way to irritate me…be the 7th person in one day to ask the same question.

Note: This happens everyday, its not like there is some crazy natural disaster happening outside.

Dayyyydreeeeamer (should be read to the tune of "dreamweaver")

I live in a fantasy world…like 60 – 70% of the time…sounds cool right? Wrong-o.

What a let down it is. Or maybe it’s me? Maybe I should be ramping this fantasy world up! It’s my fantasy world, right? I have ultimate control, muahaha! But alas, still sucks. Why you ask? (Or maybe you didn’t but I’m going to assume you’re not a total dick, and you’re playing along.)

It sucks because:

a) you miss A LOT when you’re constantly day dreaming and not paying attention, like half of all conversations, and then you end up throwing your two cents in, like yelling out of nowhere “Oh I loved him” (thinking you heard Arsenio Hall) when the conversation was about “our city hall”...not the same thing.

b) You spend a lot of time wishing magic was real, and then cursing the world because it’s not.

c) You spend so much time inside your own head that you can convince yourself of pretty much anything, like no will notice if I fall asleep at my desk if I lean over papers and make it look like I’m reading…

d) You get let down A LOT because you’ve already considered the perfect outcome in your head, and made a plan (that you often don’t inform others of) because you’ve had endless amounts of time to think about whatever situation or topic is at hand. – Also, the biggest cause of disappointment is an unrealized expectation…yup, I need to stop devising awesome things in my head and then not telling people, because when they don’t think of the same awesome plan and decide instead to do something else, I end up disappointed, one of many anxiety inducing situations.

e) Way too much time to drive yourself c-c-c-crazy!

(Oh did I mention that I work in a secluded space and I only get to see the people walking through my office or picking something up from me. Incredible lack of socialization in my position and I think “I am slowly going crazy 1,2,3,4,5,6 switch, crazy slowly going am I 6,5,4,3,2,1, switch”.)

Diddle Rhymes with Fiddle

So earlier today I was walking through Winners and I saw a cute gift bag for a kid, with a picture of a cow jumping over a moon and the words “hey diddle diddle” written above.

Now I’m totally familiar with the children’s rhyme so this wasn’t lost on me at all, but I did however do a double take when I saw it and thought to myself…”seriously, you’re going to write “hey, diddle diddle” on a gift bag for children?…even after the word “diddler” is commonly used to represent a creepy and in some cases pedophile type person? Wrong…oh so wrong!”

This is what I found on dictionary.com

Diddle : Meaning "to have sex with" is from 1879; that of "to masturbate" (especially of women) is from 1950s. More or less unrelated meanings that have gathered around a suggestive sound.

And even though it wasn’t listed, it’s widely used as a meaning for pedophile.

So NOW am I not alone in thinking that’s its creepy to write it on a children’s gift bag? I thought not…

I’ve now written and internally said “diddle” so many times it has lost all meaning...perhaps that’s what happened to the people who designed that gift bag!

Note to Self

Bran muffins with chocolate chips is NOT even close to the same as oatmeal and chocolate chips...nor is it the same as bran and raisins. I should definitely keep my day job.

What a let down...

Have you seen my heroine and or needle?

Trip to the doctors office: $0 (I live in Canada…healthcare bitches!)

Request for blood sample: $0

Repeat blood work once a week for 3 weeks: $0

Looking like a heroine junkie from the bruising: Priceless

(I found this picture on the interweb, its close enough to my heroine chique look)

Stupid Question of the Week

"Ohhh, so you’re still working here?"

Nope, I just hang out here for sheer enjoyment...they don't pay me or anything, I do it because it's fun!

Let's Get Digital, Digital…

The BF loves him some video games, and being the steller GF that I am, I chill out with him while he plays.

These games are usually filled with endless amounts of sexy (not at all realistic) pretty much naked ladies in abundance. So I love when there is a sexy leading man in a video game, because believe you me, I don’t hesitate to discuss his sexiness. I have to hear about hot girls all the time, it’s only fair that I discuss the hot guys (even though they’re computer animated).

Anyhow, Nathan Drake from “Drake’s Fortune” is a total hottie…a digital hottie, but a hottie none the less. I watched that game from start to finish like it was a movie.

Does it make me seriously weird that I think a video game character is hot? Probably, but if you’ve seen some of these characters you’d think the same thing. And the women...oh the women..They pretty much all weigh approx. 110 pounds, 15 of those pounds being their HUGNORMOUS GIAGANTIC boobs, I would put money on the fact that most men think video game characters are hot too.

Oh GAWD, does this whole thing mean that I’m thinking way too much like men? That I can’t just see a video game as a video game? Am I spending WAY too much time around males?…is this is a serious problem?

Why You're Awesome

You make me to dance ALL night with you, while you grab anyone and everyone around saying "Isn't she just the best dancer? If I could move like anyone I would want to move like her", without a hint of sarcasm. And that I "should go on 'So You Think You Can Dance'", because I "could totally win".

Also...Your imitation of  "the mandolin dance" is pretty damn awesome!

Disclaimer: I am in no way a "dancer". I just indulge in the good ol' alcoholic beverages now and then (more now than then) and bust a move or two. These "moves" may or may not include alot of shoulder movement to the beat, the funky chicken, running man, hand to knee criss cross action, and some wiggles for good measure.

Buddy, I love ya, but you're the reason crappy singers and dancers go on reality tv...they have an awesome friend who thinks they're the bomb!

“Let’s Party Like It’s 1999”…(that’s right, I totally quoted a Prince song)

Seriously, remember when…waaay back when, you were with someone and they were actually fully “with you” like body AND mind, instead of having their head buried in their phone?

I admit, I totally do it too. The constant connection is hard to break. I’m also guilty of getting frustrated if someone doesn’t answer their cell, or respond to a text in a timely fashion.

But when did we loose our manners and social graces?

We can be out with a group of 15 people and each person will have their cell on the table in front of them, at any moment grabbing it to respond to a call or a text, forgetting what they were saying or who was talking to them, letting the present conversation trail off. When did that become ok? And ohhhh so common?

Or the BF and I will be in the car talking and his phone will ring and he’ll answer it, engaging in a full conversation, umm hello? Did you forget we were JUST talking? There have even been times where it’s gone off at the MOST inopportune (wink wink, nudge nudge) time for the BF and I, and he’ll look at it like… “shit, what do I do?”. Obviously he knows he’ll get a shot to the nards if he answers it, so it just goes on ringing. But when and why did our cell phones become such an intrinsic part of us?

I don’t really have an answer to these questions, but I’ll bet that it’s not going to change any time soon. Let’s party like it’s 1999, with no cell phones (well not in the capacity they are today), and totally be present while we’re in the company of others…seems reasonable right?

I think I’m going to have a “no cell phone” party and see how everyone handles the lack of electronic communication and forced human to human contact…muahaha.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

I like to think that I’m environmentally responsible.

I recycle (almost always).

I compost (almost always).

I don’t litter (pretty much ever).

I think hemp is a shamefully under used resource, that I won’t preach about at this time, but I will tell you that it requires few pesticides and no herbicides, can be used for paper, textiles, biodegradable plastics, construction, health food, fuel, and medical purposes, can grow up to 25 tonnes of dry matter per hectare per year* (how many trees would we save?) and when used for fuel it has a closed cycle (the amount of pollution it produces when its burned, is the same amount of pollution it cleans when it is grown). SERIOUSLY HOW ARE WE NOT USING THIS MORE? Minor vent, you can’t blame me, my last post was about how I consistently veer off on tangents, so you’ve already been forewarned.

Anyhow, yes, I like to think that I’m environmentally responsible. I think it’s important, but today when I got to work I noticed THIS on my desk and kicked myself, (well not actually “kicked” myself, a) because that would look totally awkward to anyone walking by and b) I bruise REALLY easy and it’s almost bathing suit season *fingers crossed*)…

I’m so disappointed in myself. I know I should use a reusable water bottle, but the BF’s mom (whose basement we inhabit) lovingly packs my lunch every morning (I know, right? How awesome is that!?) and gives me water bottles. The BF and I have suggested getting a water cooler instead of bottles, but it’s not our house so we’ve dropped it. BUT when I see all of the bottles pile up on my desk I get sad thinking of the waste…ohhhh the humanity!

Why don’t I buy my own reusable bottle and use that instead you ask? Well smart asses, I did, it’s just currently being used for a different purpose…and now I’ll probably never use it again, because I’m neurotic and will forever think I’m going to be poisoned by the flower food added to the water, no matter how many times I disinfect it…

I will find a recycling bin for these bottles and try better in the future to use a reusable bottle. Maybe I’ll get a new one tonight…

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemp

I Digress…

Did you ever have to make “mind maps” in elementary school? It’s like a web of thoughts all over a page, somehow related or linked to one another by a main topic until it is just a mess of ideas. (We used these for brainstorming for projects or title pages etc.)

ANYHOW, that is how I feel my brain works, just a mess of random ideas, particularly when I’m explaining something or trying to tell a story. I’ve been told my whole life that I give WAY too much detail. When I was a kid everyone would head out of the room whenever I finished watching a movie or reading a book, because you better believe they were going to hear every minor detail about all of the characters, sub-characters, plot, etc. Sometimes my Dad would humor me and sit through my whole story, and for that I say “thanks Dad!” but I think it’s only because he knows I got it from him and felt he owed it to me to stick it out.

But whatever, no big deal, I like back story, I think it’s valuable. But sometimes when I’m telling a story I get so side tracked that I can’t remember where I was going with what I was saying in the first place… and by “sometimes” I mean pretty much every time I open my mouth. I’m like one giant run-on sentence. The product of a 4 child home. If I have someone’s undivided attention I don’t know what to do with myself, I get so excited everything starts flowing out with no for-thought or plan, its like I’m on Gilmore Girls, I talk a mile a minute. The BF always says “all of your sentences start with ‘and’”, which is pretty accurate, but I’m telling a story, AND it’s good, AND it will likely lead to another story, which is equally as good…AND this could continue all day, AND you better listen to me, because this story is important, or awesome, or both!

I do however loose people’s attention regularly and I’ve gotten pretty good at detecting when it’s happening. Mostly this happens when I’ve started explaining how a minor character in the story is related to the story as a whole, and then the story turns into one about that character, and on and on, and we loose the point of where I was going all together, but I always feel like those details are CRUCIAL to what I’m saying…you need to know that this guy (who triggered the story I’m telling about a different friend from highschool) has a brother, who is the same age as my brother, in fact, all three of his brothers are the same age as my siblings…well kind of, some of them are off my a couple months…and his one brother that’s the same age as my sister is going to university, and blah blah blah, do you have all day?

The big problem is when I notice that I’ve lost them I get so distracted that I can’t remember how to get back to what the story was about in the first place, and I probably had a good reason for telling it, but the whole thing ends up goes to hell in a hand basket, because I usually end up say, “uh…I totally forgot where I was going with this…BAH”

BRUTAL.

Stupid Question of the Week

All mail for the business is received through me:

“Have you got the Canada Post mail yet?”

Me: “No, I already explained that you will not be receiving any mail from Canada Post because they have a holiday today.”

“So…Purolator? What about that?”

Me: “Your Purolator delivery is mail from Purolator, you will still get that mail, because it is coming from Purolator, not Canada Post…and you’ve already received that today.”

“Ok…so no mail then?”

Me: “Nope…”

“Should I leave my cart here for when I have to pick up the mail?”

Me: “What?...No! You’re not getting any mail from Canada Post today…you’ve already received all of your mail for today…ok?”

“Uhhh, ok…so…hmmm…I guess I’ll take my cart then?”

Me: “Yes, I would suggest you do that…”

Dream Cheating…"What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!!"

Dream cheating sucks, and I’m speaking specifically of the ‘BF cheating on me in my dreams’ variety. That crappy, anxious feeling, always lasts and kind of stays in the back of my mind for the day. And seriously, I don’t need to add to the list of things that cause anxiety, that list is pretty stacked as it is.

I don’t know why it effects me so much, maybe because I’ve always kind of secretly thought that I have a 6th sense, and that my dreams are indications of things to come…so clearly, dreaming that you’re boyfriend is cheating on you sucks when you think it’s your brain telling you the truth.

I guess if I want to believe I have this “power” though, then I should NEVER go hiking near the Harvard University campus, because there is likely a crazy murderer dressed in a full body bear skin waiting to kill my dog and then chase the BF and I to Cuba to try and kill us, because that’s the other dream I had…and it’s TOTALLY plausible, right?

Or maybe I should just chill the fuck out and realize that “hiking near Harvard” is a TOTAL joke…the BF and I don’t hike, we sometimes walk, but that’s the extent of it…so maybe I don’t have a special power…crappy… but it totally solves the dream cheating anxiety issue.

Quick! Staring Contest, Me and You…

I have a problem, it’s probably not life threatening, BUT it may threaten my safety, in that people could TOTALLY misunderstand my need to engage in staring contests, particularly because they’re likely a stranger. And you know what they say about “stranger danger”, so I can only assume that each time I engage a stranger in a staring contest they want to stab/cut me. It only makes sense.

I mean, it’s not that I go out looking for staring contests, but if I’m out and happen to catch someone’s gaze, I will not being the first one to break it. I have no idea why I do this, maybe because I like to tempt fate, but so far no cutting or stabbing has occurred, so that’s good, since I’m all about keeping my skin stab/cut free.

Maybe it’s a primal animalistic need to prove superiority over others by holding their gaze until they look away…that’s what you do with Dogs to prove you’re superior, right?

Or maybe I’m just crazy and have nothing better to do with my time.

Or maybe I do it because it’s WAAAY easier to win a staring contest with someone who doesn’t know they’re participating, so it looks good on my win/lose ratio.

Whatever subconscious reason I have, I’m sure it’s a great one. I just hope that I can continue my trend of remaining unharmed by my staring contest opponents.

*Fingers Crossed*

Why You Irritate Me

You fall asleep during one of my favorite 80's movies, that I may or may not have forced you to watch. Not cool. Next time I'm taping those eyes open, so that you will understand the awesomeness of my random quotes. Next time...

Why You’re Awesome

Well…first and for most, you gave birth to me, and that is seriously awesome…because where would I be without you? Not here… that’s for sure.

But also, because even though I’m grown and don’t live with you anymore, you’re still my momma bear, and you let me know in no uncertain terms that you’ve always got my back, and that is awesome, just like you.

Forever my little momma.

Back to Reality, Oops There Goes Gravity

I am convinced there is nothing worse than getting up and going into work on Monday mornings. I mean sure…swimming in shark infested water seems WAY worse, but I will never put myself in that position, so I don’t really count it on my list of worse things EVER. Does believing that “getting up for work on Monday is the worse thing ever” make me over dramatic? Perhaps, but I’m sticking to my guns on this one.

I reeeeeaaallly hate it.

And believe me, I am well aware of the strength of the word “hate”. I told my Aunt when I was 4 that I hated her, and believe you me, she set me straight on the meaning and strength of that word. She set me SO straight that I got worked up, started crying and puked all over her feet, so when I say that I hate something…I’m very serious. I don’t need to get that lecture again, my stomach seriously can’t handle it.

Oh wait…a small adjustment to my statement: “There is nothing worse than getting up and going to work on Monday mornings”…”When the BF is laid off, and still sleeping in our big comfy bed”…THAT is the WORST!

Since he is a tradesman, he is in and out of work throughout the year, especially in the last couple years with the economy being so crappy. They’re (the union he’s in) predicting he will be off work for a month this time around, which I guess could be worse, BUT that means an ENTIRE month of waking up and going to work while he sleeps all snuggled down in our bed, while I want nothing more than to find a big blow horn to wake him up with…so that I can kiss him goodbye, that’s the only reason I want to wake him. I think it’s totally fair that I get the satisfaction of waking him up in a loud and abrupt fashion, because, whatever, he gets to go back to sleep, and I DON’T…I have to go to the godforsaken place that pays (barely) my bills.

LAME!

Stupid Question of the Week

They say there are no stupid questions...well my friends, that shit is just not true. Clearly "they" haven't met the idiots I encounter, because honestly, I'm surprised I'm not bald yet, these people make me want to rip my hair out. 
This is one of the gems I was asked this week: 

On the 5^th floor of my office building:

“How do I get to the 6^th floor?”

Me:*Points to the row of 5 elevators we’re facing* “or you can take the stairs, they’re right next to these elevators, that door right there…”

“Ok, so if I don’t want to take the stairs, I have to take the elevator right?”

Me: “…Yes…”

Are you serious? How did you manage to get to the 5th floor in the first place?