I have Jame's Brown's "sexmachine" lyrics in my head...they have nothing to do with this

My spectacles, my sight enhancers, my visual aids, my glaaaaaaasses: I need them to see, I can not function without them.

I can't get out of bed if I don't have them, and if they are not specifically where I left them when I fell asleep I will not move until someone finds them for me...it's a hazard! Nothing has edges or distinct lines, I can't tell where one thing ends and another things starts.

Have you ever tried to go cliff jumping as a glasses wearer...sans glasses? Trust me...its terrifying. You can't tell where the edge of the cliff is so you have (or at least I have) an overwhelming fear that I won't jump at the right spot so I'll slip off the edge and tumble to my death. Yes...Terrifying.

How about being  in the middle of a mosh pit when someone knocks your glasses off your face. So you're options are facing almost certain death by kneeling down and patting around for them, or facing certain death by driving home without being able to see. Luckily when it happened to me I had the assistance of a wonderful friend, and some wonderful strangers who held people back while someone else bent down and picked them up for me. They are insanely scratched (meaning I have more than one blurry spot in my line of sight) but I am incredibly grateful for their help. Otherwise...CERTAIN DEATH!!

I can't comfortably watch tv and cuddle with the BF because my glasses dig into my face.
I can't see when I go swimming, so I just float around with my eyes closed.

I hate going to salons to get my hair done because I can't see who is talking to me - and you would be surprised how hard it is to have a conversation without reading facial expressions.

I'm notorious for saying "wait I can't hear you, I don't have my glasses on."

I can't successfully shave my legs in the shower.

I have to do my makeup within inches of the mirror, literally inches, so close that if I put on mascara with too much gusto it ends up all over the mirror, ya...awesome.

(Is it ironic that this post is about glasses helping me see, and I have my eyes closed in this picture? Also, my eyebrows looking so red...an anomaly)

So...here's the dilemma. I like them. I'm used to them. They're like an old friend. I like what I look like with glasses on, and I guess sometimes I feel like I can hide behind them. BUT it would be INCREDIBLY convenient to be able to see without them. SO, do I get laser eye surgery and have perscriptionless glasses to wear around when I feel the need to glasses up my look? Because honestly, that's what I'm thinking is necessary.

Sky Rockets In Flight...Afternoon Delight

RATED R : Explicit Content, Possible Offensive Language, Not Appropriate for my Mother...or Sister (she's too pure)

I'm just going to go ahead and get it over with...S.E.X....sex, specifically that which occurs in the summer...there, that's what this whole post is about, so avert your eyes if reading that word makes you, a) uncomfortable, b) light headed, or c) nauseous. If it doesn't...lucky you, you get to hear about my sex life and my random suggestion for yours, I can tell you're excited - I would be if I were you,  reading a random blog making suggestions for my sex life, so excitement is totally natural.

Anyhow, moving on...

Spontaneity, it's good for any relationship, and summer always offers SO many more opportunities for it, for both sexual and non-sexual activities, however I'm speaking specifically of activities of a sexual nature. I don't know if it's the heat or the lack of huge sweaters and long pants, or what, that gets the hormones raging, but summer sex is oh so different from winter sex. Not that I'm complaining about sex in the other seasons, but there's something exciting and thrilling about it in the summer. It's different, and each year I forget how great it is until the summer comes and we get to enjoy it all over again.

Now I'm not exhibitionist by any means. Not like the couple I once saw parked on the front row of a drive in movie, RIGHT in front of a light, so their whole car was illuminated for all to see. That shits just too crazy for me. But since the warm weather has come the BF and I have taken advantage of the hot nights, and the deserted roads etc. And let me tell you, if you want to ignite some passion in your relationship, take a drive and let your hormones take over. It's good for your relationship and as far as I'm concerned, good for the soul.

I would suggest to all couples out there, if you want a good time with your "other half", to drop the kids off  to play with their grandparents or something, and take a drive as a couple. Call it "team building" or whatever you'd like, but theres nothing like pretending your 17 (not that I was doing anything like this at 17 Mom, if you're still reading this) and cramming yourselves into the back of a car. Just don't park in front of a large group of people in direct lighting...no one needs to see that. Believe me, it's not as hot as you might think it is.

Kumbaya...

Someone was killed...murdered...beaten to death, less than 200 feet from me while I was sleeping. oh.my.god.

We went camping this past weekend (a long holiday weekend in Canada) with a bunch of friends. The place we went has a reputation for out of control partying. The BF has gone sans me the last 2 years because he had heard the rumors and was worried about my safety. Nothing happened those two years, he came home telling me that it was just like any other camping trip, albeit a little crazier, with lots of dirt bikes, quads and field cars, but as long as I didn't do anything stupid "like stand in the middle of the street with cars coming" than I should be fine, so this year we decided to go together.

He watched me like a hawk, a hawk that I didn't see and had no idea was watching me...so maybe a more accurate description would be: he watched me like a crazed stalker hiding in the bushes. At one point my girlfriend and I got in the back of a pick up truck that was going to go through the mud pits and out of no where I hear the BF's booming voice "Why the hell would you get in the back of a pick up without a tail gate?" yelling at us from atop a pile of rocks across the field. The guy in the front of the truck that we didn't know turned around saying, "so that must be one of your boyfriends". Ahem, yup. What can I say, he loves me...or doesn't want to explain to my parents why I'm broken when we return. Either way.

Anyhow, the rumors of this place seemed extremely embelished, it really was like any other camping trip except for the field cars etc. which honestly, made the days less boring. So I was all prepared to come home to all of the skeptics and those who thought I was crazy for going, and show them I am still in one piece and there is no need to be concerned or worry. That is until someone got beaten to death. Seriously, to death, at the campsite next to us.

The BF and I were sleeping at the time so we didn't hear anything happen. I woke up at about 4 or 5 in the morning because the BFs a jerk and stole my blanket so I went to my car to get another one. I came out of the trailer to see an ambulance, a girl crying, and another guy freaking out. I grabbed my blanket and when I was going back to the trailer I stopped to talk to a couple of my friends that were still awake and told them to go check out what's going on, because I'm terribly nosey, but wanted to go back to sleep.

We found out a couple hours later that the guy had died from internal injuries and there were police EVERYWHERE. I've never seen a real crime scene before, it was crazy. The whole end of the street we were on was police taped off, there were cops and investigators everywhere and no one was allowed to leave or enter the campground. We were on lock down. I was on lock down. Because of a murder. I couldn't comprehend it. I still can't. This guy, who was in his mid-twenties, is dead. He went away for the weekend with his friends, and his family will never see him again. So insanely tragic. My friend Ryan saw it happen. He said it started and ended so quickly there wasn't really anytime to react. I'm still in shock, and feel terrible for the poor guys family and friends. The four guys that beat him were all found and arrested. We're not sure what the motive was, but I can't think of any reason for four guys to beat one guy until he dies. Ridicules.

The Blondeness of my Brain

I'm infamous (if one can be infamous within their immediate family) for making overtly "blond" comments. My family gets a huge kick out of it, so I thought I would share some gems:

My only request is that you don't judge me...although I would totally judge me if I were you, so I guess I can't blame you...this shits embarrassing!

Move-y Around-y - as in: "Geez your dog is really move-y around-y" - ya... there's no excuse for this, although the BF uses it now, which is pretty awesome. "UGH, we are being way too move-y around-y, my hangover is killing me."

Asian-y - as in: "This spicy Asian chicken is extra Asian-y today"

Bony-fur - as in: "Wow this dog is really bony-fur" ... ya that one is beyond me. I think I was trying to say he was really bony with no fat on him, only a layer of fur on top of the bones... It's embarrassing!

The blondness of my brain - as in: "Hey guys, wanna hear the blondness of my brain?"...translation: I knew I was about to make a blond comment, so I was forewarning them...I didn't even get to make the comment because they were too busy laughing.

Deck the halls - this doesn't seem weird at all, except it was said in the middle of the summer in reference to the way someone "decorated" their car. - as in: "DECK THE HALLS!!" While pointing at a ridiculously painted vehicle. - Don't even ask...

I said something to the BF when we were out for dinner once that was just ridicules, what it was I said has totally escaped me now but his reaction was priceless. He stopped what he was doing, stared at me and said "I swear sometimes I think you're an alien." - Ya I say some really stupid shit sometimes.

Those are the only ones I can think of for right now, too bad my brother or my dad wasn't here though, they like to quote me regularly.

Take Me Down to the Paradise City...

I need a change.
I'm feeling really antsy.
I think a lot of it stems from my job. I try to remind myself that I'm lucky to have a job in the first place, but spending the majority of my day, and the largest portion of my week at a place that is so terribly unfulfilling is crippling my spirit. My spirit needs crutches, I've placed an order for a wheelchair...seriously, you guys, my fucking spirit is limping, hardcore...it's going to be bed ridden soon, I can sense it!

So this is what I'm doing in hopes of lifting my spirits, (aside from the crutches and wheelchair solution):

Photography - My Dad is f'in fantastic! I asked him a couple weeks ago if he still had the old film camera he had when I was a kid, and if I could have it. He spent hours searching through boxes and found it for me. Along with some lens covers, a long super fun looking lens, a carrying case, a camera case, and all sorts of other little wonderful extras. I'm sure you can clearly gather from my expert camera lingo that I could show you a thing or two about photography...seriously, that's all i could show you. I grew up using a point and shoot. I have no idea what the hell all the little dials and numbers mean...camera gods...this is your shout out, HELP ME! The BF and I have played around with it and he has taught me a couple things, but I really don't have a clue what I'm doing, but at least it's fun and is giving me something to play with and explore.
Side Note: If anyone has expired film they don't want, and are just planning on throwing away, I'll take it off your hands, I love the effect that expired film gives photos, at least from the ones that I've seen.

Projects - The BF and I decided to refinish our coffee table. It's a HUMONGOUS son of a b*tch that his Mom has had for something like 28 years. We sanded it all down, and stained it this really dark brown and black colour, it looks awesome if I do say so myself (which I do, because this is my blog bitches, so you have to take my word for it!!). We then put a couple layers of a varnish on it to make it really shiny. It took us a couple days to do it because we fucked up a couple times...each. I'm not gunna lie, i think his mom might have died a little inside when she saw it, and his dad probably died a little inside when he saw the spots of stain we left all over his immaculate grass in the backyard from knocking the can over...better the grass then the patio, which is where we started though...so really, he should be happy!

- I'm not really sure why I put an "s" on projects because that's really the only project we have, i have no other projects lined up (which is totally bumming out my spirit again). Do you have a project you want the BF and I to complete? I can't promise we'll be sober when we do it, or that it will turn out anything like you envision...but we're free, and fucking awesome! 

If you have any other spirit lifting, fixing, beautifying, etc. idea...spread the wealth! I'm totally game for any ideas!

Procrastination Is Like Masterbation...

In The End You're Only Fuckin Yourself.

I should really be working on my "self evaluation", which is VERY lame and also due today...

I would looove to write (the truth):

I'm awesome, and you are privileged to know me, let alone have me grace your office each morning with my rays of internal sunshine, and amazingness. I deserve LOTS more money, and would appreciate it greatly if you would recognize my awesomeness and pay me appropriately...while simultaneously understanding that my presence alone is worth your while, so not to expect anything productive from me.  And then rate myself at the highest level of the scale, because dudes, that's totally what I deserve. I get up before the sun for this place, and for that I think I should also receive "hazard pay" because seriously, it is dangerous not only to myself but to others as well when I wake up so early, and not because I'm driving half asleep, but because I'm TOTALLY not a morning person and I'm liable to rip someones face off if they look at me the wrong way, which is endangering them, and myself because I could totally injure myself in the process of maiming them. So...hazard pay it is.

Unfortunately, their "required format" doesn't allow that response, so I'm stuck with providing specific "examples" of why I'm a valuable employee, blah blah blah, again, totally lame. UGH!

I'm Delicious

Ummm...I'm pretty sure my feet smell like McDonald's french fries right now.

Seriously.

Something smells like McDonald fries, and I'm alone in this room...there is no food...

Also, I'm wearing flats. Ladies, you know what that means...

No socks = crappy plastic insoles stink'n up the ol' hooves.

The worst (or maybe best) part...I don't hate the smell.

I Feel Like Pizza Tonight, Like Pizza Tonight!!

Come On!! Remember the old "I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight" commercial?

Anyhow:

I love pizza...I love it, I love it, I love it!

I'm not sure I'm accurately expressing my love and desire for it....it's obscene and perverse. I would eat it ALWAYS AND FOREVER. It's ridicules! It would be accurate to assume I am eating pizza at any given time...or at least 3-4 times a week, which seriously...is A LOT of pizza.

I once left a bar with a friend of mine (in the middle of having a great time) because we started talking about pizza (her love for pizza is in direct competition with my own) and walked all around town looking for a pizza place. We then (as a couple of less than sober girls) asked the pizza delivery man if he could "deliver" the pizza to our house, with us tagging along for the ride. THAT'S RIGHT, the Captain Morgans Rum commercial where they pull that stunt, was definitely based off of us, because we totally did that WAY before that commercial ever came out. Seriously, the driver went for it and gave us a ride home with our pizza!! It was AMAZING in such a way that only two intoxicated university aged girls could understand! (Well that's a lie, I would be over the moon if it happened again tomorrow...so either, it is just seriously awesome, or I'm still a university aged drunk girl at heart...either way).

P.S. I'm eating pizza right now...and I ate some yesterday...it's only Tuesday.

UPDATE: I also ate pizza thursday night...you're jealous arn't you!? I'm pretty sure I have pizza sauce pumping through my vains...seriously!

Sunday Confessional

Sometimes when I'm going pee I wonder if it's really happening or if I'm actually in a coma and just dreaming I'm on a toilet and I'm actually peeing in a diaper...seriously, I'm sober.

Also, when I say sometimes, I mean pretty much all the time.

Dayyyydreeeeamer (should be read to the tune of "dreamweaver")

I live in a fantasy world…like 60 – 70% of the time…sounds cool right? Wrong-o.

What a let down it is. Or maybe it’s me? Maybe I should be ramping this fantasy world up! It’s my fantasy world, right? I have ultimate control, muahaha! But alas, still sucks. Why you ask? (Or maybe you didn’t but I’m going to assume you’re not a total dick, and you’re playing along.)

It sucks because:

a) you miss A LOT when you’re constantly day dreaming and not paying attention, like half of all conversations, and then you end up throwing your two cents in, like yelling out of nowhere “Oh I loved him” (thinking you heard Arsenio Hall) when the conversation was about “our city hall”...not the same thing.

b) You spend a lot of time wishing magic was real, and then cursing the world because it’s not.

c) You spend so much time inside your own head that you can convince yourself of pretty much anything, like no will notice if I fall asleep at my desk if I lean over papers and make it look like I’m reading…

d) You get let down A LOT because you’ve already considered the perfect outcome in your head, and made a plan (that you often don’t inform others of) because you’ve had endless amounts of time to think about whatever situation or topic is at hand. – Also, the biggest cause of disappointment is an unrealized expectation…yup, I need to stop devising awesome things in my head and then not telling people, because when they don’t think of the same awesome plan and decide instead to do something else, I end up disappointed, one of many anxiety inducing situations.

e) Way too much time to drive yourself c-c-c-crazy!

(Oh did I mention that I work in a secluded space and I only get to see the people walking through my office or picking something up from me. Incredible lack of socialization in my position and I think “I am slowly going crazy 1,2,3,4,5,6 switch, crazy slowly going am I 6,5,4,3,2,1, switch”.)

Have you seen my heroine and or needle?

Trip to the doctors office: $0 (I live in Canada…healthcare bitches!)

Request for blood sample: $0

Repeat blood work once a week for 3 weeks: $0

Looking like a heroine junkie from the bruising: Priceless

(I found this picture on the interweb, its close enough to my heroine chique look)