"Knocked Down, Beaten, Black and Blue"...Mentally That Is.

FUCK!

I'm making something happen. Or at least I'm trying to. My therapist will be really impressed when she gets back from holidays. See, I have a hard time "making things happen". I'm scared of failure, I have lack of motivation, and I'm a self destructive. So it usually takes something big for me to jump into action, and then I'm only "in action" for a split second, and if nothing happens, or come from the action of taken, I give up. I wish I was more persistent, and self confidant, but I'm working on it.

Anyhow, here's the "big" thing that happened, that pushed me into action. Well I guess it isn't just one thing, it's more like a series of medium things:

First of all, I'd like to start by saying that I understand that everyone deals with pricks in the work place, and I shouldn't let it get to me, blah blah blah. But I'm a delicate flower...or more realistically, I may treat myself like a piece of shit sometimes, but I'll be damned if someone else thinks they're going to treat me like a piece of shit...only I get that privilege dammit!!

1. I have a turtle neck top...let me reiterate TURTLE NECK, that has a small cut out across my shoulder area on the back. The cut out is below the neck, between the bra straps, and above the bra line. I was told by a co-worker that "I'm giving people the wrong impression" by wearing it. NOTE: This particular co-worker wears low cut bar tops, that show the joining of the two cups of her bra...

(Like this, only it was a turtle neck, and the hole in the back was much smaller)

2. My boss was told by a fellow manager that she thinks that I am overpaid for my job, etc. Let me remind you, that I live in my boyfriend's parents basement, and make under the poverty line. I could in no way sustain myself on my income...and that's too much money?

3. Someone at my workplace bought a stuffed pumpkin to sit in our reception area in fall. Someone unrelated to me, 2 years ago. All I do is put it out each fall as part of the seasonal decorations. I was yelled at, talked down to, and told it looks completely unprofessional and instructed to remove it, by someone who does not have the authority to make those types of requests. Especially since I have no authorization to remove it since I didn't purchase it, and it's been in our office for 2 years. A co-worker that was present during the incident told me to go to HR since the way I was "spoken" to (used loosely since this individual was yelling) was way out of line.

4. I was reprimanded for dressing inappropriately for the work place because my skirt was too short, and told that me dressing inappropriately has come up several times before. My skirt was 2 inches above the knee (and it's the shortest skirt I wear to work), and I was wearing grey stockings, so none of my actual leg was showing. I should add that no where in our dress policy does it say anything about the length of skirts, and managers and other employees regularly wear shorter skirts. Ex. While I was in the washroom crying, after feeling attacked and mistreated since I don't wear anything that is inappropriate, and I dress more appropriately than most of my colleagues, an employee came out of the stall wearing a shorter skirt than I.

(Like this, only it was a black skirt with grey stockings)

Those are only 4 recent (as in, 3 within the last week) examples of why it's time for a change. They don't seem so bad written down, but they really felt as though I was being attacked and mistreated. I'm not in high school anymore, and I'm sick of all of the juvenile bullshit. I'm a good person, and I've never done anything offensive to anyone I work with, and I don't deserve to be treated as if I'm some kind of worthless slut, because I'm young, and clothes look different on me then some of the other people I work with.

So I've applied for some other jobs within my company, and spoken with my supervisor about making my position part time so I can go back to school, (in the event that one of the positions closer to home does not pan out), so I can get the hell out of this place. Enough is enough. My anxiety is bad enough without having to wake up each morning dreading the 8 hours ahead of me.

I have Jame's Brown's "sexmachine" lyrics in my head...they have nothing to do with this

My spectacles, my sight enhancers, my visual aids, my glaaaaaaasses: I need them to see, I can not function without them.

I can't get out of bed if I don't have them, and if they are not specifically where I left them when I fell asleep I will not move until someone finds them for me...it's a hazard! Nothing has edges or distinct lines, I can't tell where one thing ends and another things starts.

Have you ever tried to go cliff jumping as a glasses wearer...sans glasses? Trust me...its terrifying. You can't tell where the edge of the cliff is so you have (or at least I have) an overwhelming fear that I won't jump at the right spot so I'll slip off the edge and tumble to my death. Yes...Terrifying.

How about being  in the middle of a mosh pit when someone knocks your glasses off your face. So you're options are facing almost certain death by kneeling down and patting around for them, or facing certain death by driving home without being able to see. Luckily when it happened to me I had the assistance of a wonderful friend, and some wonderful strangers who held people back while someone else bent down and picked them up for me. They are insanely scratched (meaning I have more than one blurry spot in my line of sight) but I am incredibly grateful for their help. Otherwise...CERTAIN DEATH!!

I can't comfortably watch tv and cuddle with the BF because my glasses dig into my face.
I can't see when I go swimming, so I just float around with my eyes closed.

I hate going to salons to get my hair done because I can't see who is talking to me - and you would be surprised how hard it is to have a conversation without reading facial expressions.

I'm notorious for saying "wait I can't hear you, I don't have my glasses on."

I can't successfully shave my legs in the shower.

I have to do my makeup within inches of the mirror, literally inches, so close that if I put on mascara with too much gusto it ends up all over the mirror, ya...awesome.

(Is it ironic that this post is about glasses helping me see, and I have my eyes closed in this picture? Also, my eyebrows looking so red...an anomaly)

So...here's the dilemma. I like them. I'm used to them. They're like an old friend. I like what I look like with glasses on, and I guess sometimes I feel like I can hide behind them. BUT it would be INCREDIBLY convenient to be able to see without them. SO, do I get laser eye surgery and have perscriptionless glasses to wear around when I feel the need to glasses up my look? Because honestly, that's what I'm thinking is necessary.

Wake Up! Grab a Brush and Put on a Little Makeup!

I'm so sleepy - I could fall asleep RIGHT now if I wanted to. Well I do want to, I more mean, I would fall asleep right now if no one would notice that I was sleeping under my desk. I don't know what it is, maybe still the medication or something that is causing this overwhelming need to sleep, but it's killing me. I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, I look like I'm stoned all the time. My eyes are half closed and half focused, and want to just roll back and close all together, I want that too. Right now I'm typing with my eyes closed because it feel so good. Anyhow, it sucks. It makes it hard to get work done. Oh and the BF is still laid off...ya it's been 2 and half months. BRUTAL.

Frustration

Conversation with co-worker:

Me: "Hey 'boss' wants to see you"

C-W: "Is there a problem?"

Me: "No, 'boss' just wants you to get a cart, bring it down here, load some paper on it, then take it to the photocopy room to load the photocopiers."

C-W: ...Blank stare

Me: Repeat the same statement only a bit slower

C-W: "...I don't understand"

Me: ..Blank stare..."what do you mean you don't understand? Just get a cart, load some paper on it, then put that paper in the photocopiers"

C-W: ...Blank stare

Me: "You know what, why don't you just go talk to 'boss' so they can explain it for you..."

ALIVE...without the plane crash and cannibalism

Not For Sale: One destroyed slightly used 5 series BMW. It has incredible minimal damage on the drivers side. Completely written off. Great buy for a handy man!!

I apologise for two somewhat dark posts in one week, however my handsome BF was T-boned yesterday and it scared me. Terrified and upset me. I realised that the phone call I received from him telling me he had just been hit could have been an entirely different phone call all together. One that would have changed my life completely, and it made me realise how quickly life changes. I was expecting to go home to him, throw on my bathing suit and jump in the pool. I'm so lucky, he's so lucky, that the only thing destroyed was his car. It could have so easily been his life.

He was t-boned right in the drivers side door by an older man. The older man was waiting to exit a parking lot and cross the street, but an impatient prick behind him kept honking his horn and making a scene (apparently, so says witnesses) so the older man decided to gun it across the street just as the BF was driving by and slammed right into him. It ripped the entire drivers side door apart, left a huge hole in the metal on the door, split the leather on the interior of the door from the impact, and then slid down the side of the car denting, scrapping, and ripping apart the whole drivers side of the car. Luckily the BF's  window was down, because it all shattered but luckily broke inside the door so it didn't cut him up at all. He walked away with some aches and pains, but hopefully nothing lasting. I'm so relieved.

The older man that hit him had no injuries either, and minimal damage to the van that he was driving. Thank goodness.

Note: The BF was driving a BMW 525i and he highly recommends them for safety. He is incredibly impressed by the protection the car provided. Oh ya, and he's only had the car for like a month - I have one unhappy camper on my hands.

Kumbaya...

Someone was killed...murdered...beaten to death, less than 200 feet from me while I was sleeping. oh.my.god.

We went camping this past weekend (a long holiday weekend in Canada) with a bunch of friends. The place we went has a reputation for out of control partying. The BF has gone sans me the last 2 years because he had heard the rumors and was worried about my safety. Nothing happened those two years, he came home telling me that it was just like any other camping trip, albeit a little crazier, with lots of dirt bikes, quads and field cars, but as long as I didn't do anything stupid "like stand in the middle of the street with cars coming" than I should be fine, so this year we decided to go together.

He watched me like a hawk, a hawk that I didn't see and had no idea was watching me...so maybe a more accurate description would be: he watched me like a crazed stalker hiding in the bushes. At one point my girlfriend and I got in the back of a pick up truck that was going to go through the mud pits and out of no where I hear the BF's booming voice "Why the hell would you get in the back of a pick up without a tail gate?" yelling at us from atop a pile of rocks across the field. The guy in the front of the truck that we didn't know turned around saying, "so that must be one of your boyfriends". Ahem, yup. What can I say, he loves me...or doesn't want to explain to my parents why I'm broken when we return. Either way.

Anyhow, the rumors of this place seemed extremely embelished, it really was like any other camping trip except for the field cars etc. which honestly, made the days less boring. So I was all prepared to come home to all of the skeptics and those who thought I was crazy for going, and show them I am still in one piece and there is no need to be concerned or worry. That is until someone got beaten to death. Seriously, to death, at the campsite next to us.

The BF and I were sleeping at the time so we didn't hear anything happen. I woke up at about 4 or 5 in the morning because the BFs a jerk and stole my blanket so I went to my car to get another one. I came out of the trailer to see an ambulance, a girl crying, and another guy freaking out. I grabbed my blanket and when I was going back to the trailer I stopped to talk to a couple of my friends that were still awake and told them to go check out what's going on, because I'm terribly nosey, but wanted to go back to sleep.

We found out a couple hours later that the guy had died from internal injuries and there were police EVERYWHERE. I've never seen a real crime scene before, it was crazy. The whole end of the street we were on was police taped off, there were cops and investigators everywhere and no one was allowed to leave or enter the campground. We were on lock down. I was on lock down. Because of a murder. I couldn't comprehend it. I still can't. This guy, who was in his mid-twenties, is dead. He went away for the weekend with his friends, and his family will never see him again. So insanely tragic. My friend Ryan saw it happen. He said it started and ended so quickly there wasn't really anytime to react. I'm still in shock, and feel terrible for the poor guys family and friends. The four guys that beat him were all found and arrested. We're not sure what the motive was, but I can't think of any reason for four guys to beat one guy until he dies. Ridicules.

The Blondeness of my Brain

I'm infamous (if one can be infamous within their immediate family) for making overtly "blond" comments. My family gets a huge kick out of it, so I thought I would share some gems:

My only request is that you don't judge me...although I would totally judge me if I were you, so I guess I can't blame you...this shits embarrassing!

Move-y Around-y - as in: "Geez your dog is really move-y around-y" - ya... there's no excuse for this, although the BF uses it now, which is pretty awesome. "UGH, we are being way too move-y around-y, my hangover is killing me."

Asian-y - as in: "This spicy Asian chicken is extra Asian-y today"

Bony-fur - as in: "Wow this dog is really bony-fur" ... ya that one is beyond me. I think I was trying to say he was really bony with no fat on him, only a layer of fur on top of the bones... It's embarrassing!

The blondness of my brain - as in: "Hey guys, wanna hear the blondness of my brain?"...translation: I knew I was about to make a blond comment, so I was forewarning them...I didn't even get to make the comment because they were too busy laughing.

Deck the halls - this doesn't seem weird at all, except it was said in the middle of the summer in reference to the way someone "decorated" their car. - as in: "DECK THE HALLS!!" While pointing at a ridiculously painted vehicle. - Don't even ask...

I said something to the BF when we were out for dinner once that was just ridicules, what it was I said has totally escaped me now but his reaction was priceless. He stopped what he was doing, stared at me and said "I swear sometimes I think you're an alien." - Ya I say some really stupid shit sometimes.

Those are the only ones I can think of for right now, too bad my brother or my dad wasn't here though, they like to quote me regularly.

Completely Inappropriate, Awkward, Offside Comment

So I have my nose pierced. It's been pierced since I was about 17, so for just over 8 years. That's like the longest I've kept anything, so I'm kind of attached to it. I kind of forget it's there, it's just part of my face now. Honestly the only time I think about it is when little kids grab it and ask me what it is (its a hoop, so a little more noticeable than a stud). My general reaction is "oh just decoration" because really...how do you explain a piercing or tattoo to a three year old, especially one that doesn't belong to you, so you're not sure what their parents may think of facial piercings.  My mom has asked me regularly for 8 years when I'm going to put a nice diamond in my nose instead of the ring, and to that my answer is, "on my wedding day", but I will likely go back to the hoop right after.

It's not an obtrusive hoop or anything, some people have known me for months and then will randomly one day ask, "oh hey, when did you get your nose pierced?" either because it just really suits me (at least that's what I've been told) or they're terrible terrible friends and don't actually ever look at me. Anyhow I feel the need to express to you how "un-trashy" it looks on me. I have had several people ask me if I would mind if they got their nose pierced like mine and where I bought my hoop (its really tight to my nose) because I make it look good. (Ok, it was only 4 people so I don't know if that counts as several, but really, 4 girls have asked if I would care if they got the same piercing as me, so it can't look terrible, and that makes me feel pretty f'in good!)

Anyhow, the point of this post is a conversation that I had with someone the other day, well less a conversation and more of a completely inappropriate, awkward, offside, head shakingly weird, comment :

(note: there's an ongoing joke at work that I'm shackled to my desk...I may or may not have started it, but only because I literally can not leave my desk and it makes me stir crazy)

"Hey, I see you're packing up to leave, time to go home?'

Me: "Yup, they finally unshackled me for the day"

"Oh ya, you look like you would be into that kind of stuff, shackles and chains I mean. I can tell from your nose ring." (said seriously all sexual like)

Me: (internal gag) "uhhhhh" *awkward silence - head down continue finishing up* (thinking, "go fuck yourself buddy") - This individual is probably in their 50's or 60's and we do not have a relationship where we would make comments like this. The extent of our conversations up until this point were courteous, good mornings etc.

Since when did having a nose ring mean someone would be into that? I work with a large number of women from India etc. that have their noses pierced and I can bet you that comment wouldn't be made to one of those women, even though they all have nose rings.