This is Halloween, This is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween!

It's TIMMMEEEE! I can smell it, sense it, feel it...FALL! I am really very sad that summer is over, however fall brings us Halloween, and that is just SPECTACULAR! I LOVE Halloween...and also caps lock it would seem!

I've decided to go as Medusa, and my mind has been running ever since I made the decision. I love making halloween costumes it gives me the opportunity to be creative. I've seen some really crappy versions of "buyable" Medusa costumes online, and have decided to really do this 100% by hand (well perhaps with the assistance of my sewing machine) instead of buying it pre made, which I've done in other years because I spend all my time making costumes for other people. (You can take that to mean I'm an incredibly selfless, amazing person, or that I really like the attention I get when everyone is bragging that I made their costumes, and bigging me up...either way, you're probably right).

A couple of friends have already requested my excellence, so I'll be getting started soon! I actually can not wait! If I could make costumes full time, I would. Damn realistic income needs!

Some of my friends and I have decided to go with a mythological theme. So I'll be making, along with my Medusa costume, a Zeus costume, and a Hercules costume, so far.

Can't wait to upload the pictures once the costume making process begins!

Tattoos...a love story

So I got my first tattoo last February. I'd been waiting for YEARS...I mean literally yearrrssss to get one. When I was in high school I settled for getting my nose pierced because a tattoo was "out of the question" according to the parental units. I can remember all through University dreaming and drawing up tattoo ideas, and waiting for the day when I would have an extra couple hundred dollars so I could pay for one. (Note to my employers: I still don't have any extra money sitting around, my tattoo was a Christmas present from the BF, you can definitely pay me more!).

Anyhow, ever since getting my first tattoo, I've wanted to get a second. I don't ever want to cover myself, I'm not a fan of that look for myself personally, plus I've promised my Mom that I won't get a tattoo anywhere that will show in a wedding / formal dress...blah blah blah.

So I'm currently trying to decide on my second tattoo. I have several ideas, but nothing is coming together the way my first one did (Here). I guess because of its sentimentality, nothing will ever mean as much, and be as easy to put together. But because I want another one SO bad, I'm bound and determined to find something I'm excited about.

What I currently want is:

A quote. I haven't settled on one specifically, however I'm thinking it will be lyrics and it will go on my rib cage. I also want to get a bird in flight tattooed as part of it. Kind of like...

The other option I'm thinking of is the lyrics "shine on you crazy diamond" along to outside of my foot. The only issues with that is a) I've heard tattoos fade quickly there, AND b) It goes against my agreement that it won't show if I'm all dressed up and wearing heels.

 I would get "shine on you crazy diamond" on my ribs, except I'm looking for something that is a little longer so that it can be 3 or 4 lines, with 3 to 4 words per line.

Also, I really like elephants. They've been my favorite since, well forever. So it would be cool to get one tattooed on me as well, but I don't really want a portrait. So I was thinking of getting an artistically drawn one, done in just lines. Kind of like...
                                      
Only with his head tilted back and trunk in the air. And I haven't decided if I just want the head, or the whole body. The thing is that I want this on my wrist. As an everyday reminder to remember to carry my head high. Buuut again, theres the issue with it being visible all the time. I've always always wanted a wrist tattoo, but I fear what it will look like when I'm 80. I'm not too worried about what my other tattoos will look like, since it's unlikely I'll be wearing a bikini at 80, but I've seen what old tattoo's look like, and it's not pretty.

So, the humming and huhing continues. What to do...what to do.

If you have any suggestions, let me hear 'em.

Sunday Confessional

Geez, it's been a while since I last confessed...

So here it is... I'm afraid to go to new restaurants because I'm afraid I won't know how to order.

It really stresses me out, especially if it's one of those places where you have to order at the counter, and there's a line up of people behind you, and you have to try and read the board behind the cashiers head, pick what to order, and not hold up the line and frustrate those behind you. UGh, the stress!!

So two days ago the BF, myself and a couple of our friends went out for ice cream to this new ice cream place around the corner from our house. I was first up to order so I did it fast and didn't get anything special, just two scoops of different flavors. I couldn't handle the stress of figuring out the toppings and types of cones and mixing the ice creams etc. So I went with the basic.

The BF on the other hand, doesn't play that way. He got to the cashier and had to ask a million questions and figure everything out. In the middle of ordering this happens:

He takes a step back, runs his hands over his head/face and says loudly...

"So is this where it happens? Is this where the world starts to pass me by. Where I don't understand what the kids are eating these days. What the hell...this shouldn't be this difficult!"

And that my friends is why I hate those situations, and also why I love my BF so much. He has no problem calling himself out, whereas I try my best to still look like I know what I'm doing, and end up eating something I'm only mildly satisfied with.

UPDATE:  We went back again and I tried ordering something more complex!
This is: Vanilla Cake Batter (or something), Chocolate, with Oreo chunks mixed in.
DELICIOUS!

In Conversation With The BF

Me: Are there red bumps on my back?

Him: You betchya

Me: Fuck, I have them on my legs and chest too. I'm either allergic to something or I have another random disease.

Him: It's ridicules the shit you catch.

Me: If I have hand, foot, and mouth disease again I'm going to loose my shit. BUT the doctor said it's like chicken pox, you only get it once. So if I have it again I'm like a medical anomaly.

Him: It's called a freak.

Me: Medical anomaly, I'm basically an x-man.

Looking For Catharsis - Because My Mom Told Me To.

I'm writing this because my Mom told me to, and I always do what my Mom tells me to, like every child out there...kind of, sort of...well not really, but this time I think she's right. Writing is cathartic for me, and right now I'm really in need of some...catharsis.

I don't really know what happened...well I guess I kind of do. When I first started taking Ciprolex for my anxiety/depression, it worked WONDERS, like rainbows, and unicorns, and shooting stars all over the place. I couldn't have been happier, I felt how I'd never imagine I could feel. You see the depression and anxiety stem from abuse I endured as a young child, and because I was so young when it happened, the influence it had over my development was never seen. I've just always thought that this is just who I am. I'm a nervous, stressed out, lack luster, over analytical, not trusting, self sabotaging  person. Anyhow, to make a reeeallllyyyy long story short, at 25 I finally decided it was time to see a therapist and get my life on track. So after a few weeks of therapy sessions, I went to my doctor and was prescribed ciprolex. It worked amazingly for the first few weeks, I had never felt better, and all of the "personality" traits I thought were part of me, just started to disappear, or became incredibly easy to manage. Then I ran out of pills, and being that I'm often self sabotaging (when the depression is kicking in), instead of going to the walk in clinic (my doctor was on holidays) I just stopped taking the pills. This fucked me over. In inexplicable ways. After a few weeks I started taking it again after my therapist insisted that I go to the walk-in, and have a prescription issued.

The medication has never worked the same as it did when I initially started taking it. I'm sure this is normal, since my body has become accustom to it, however after seeing the potential I have to feel good, and the way I'm feeling now, it's making the gap between the two even larger. I'm sinking into a deeper depression knowing the potential for happiness, security, funny loving, and confidence that I have, but can not feel right now. It's awful. Yesterday my doctor upped the dosage, so hopefully that works, since I can't stand feeling this way.

Side note - I have the world's best Mom. You might beg to differ, but she really is the bomb-diggity my friends. I called her, holding in the tears the best I could, as she unbeknownst to me, was arriving at the clinic because she either pulled a muscle really bad, or broke a rib. Instead of rushing me off the phone or telling me she'd call me back, the second she heard my voice, even though I wasn't crying yet, she stopped what she was doing and talked me through it. It wasn't until later in the conversation she told me where she was and why. Seriously, my mom, with a potentially broken rib, stopped on her way to the clinic to get ex rays, to talk me through a minor breakdown, offering to come over and hang out with me. That is just one of the reasons she's so amazing!

So here I am, blogging again, even though I have no drive to, for cathartic reasons. To try and pick myself up a little. Hopefully it works, because as my Mom told me earlier this morning, I'm way to young to feel defeated by life, I have way too much life left ahead of me.